The Fruitcake of 2012

I made my very first fruitcake.  Used this as a basis, but modified it.  Probably should not have modified it.  

A proper bundt cake pan used.  Lots of rum.  Oh yeah, an orange brandy glaze–with lots of brandy.

Needed to make it look proper, so I used candied cherries.

It was too sweet but still very good and edible.  Very moist.  Hearty.  Still had a nice kick of rum and brandy.  Went great with a cup o’ joe.

Hope your holidays have been, and continue to be, swell.

Now, time to attempt a Yule Log.

Cat Box Cupcakes

Finals are OVER!  This will allow me to catch up on a lot of stuff, such as reading blogs, baking horrible fruit cakes, and creating disastrous yule logs.

For my Primate Cognition course’s final, I was involved in a group project studying cat’s “pawedness.”  I’m well aware cats are not primates, but we could choose any animal to study as long as it was related to cognition.  We had to perform some research and complete a poster presentation.

Well, me being me (and a crazy cat lady), thought it would be awesome to have treats to go along with the poster presentation (i.e. Cat Box Cupcakes).  Fun and gross all in one!

For about 36-48 cupcakes, you’ll need:

• 2 boxes of quick and easy cake mixes.  I used 1 vanilla and 1 chocolate.  Easy to appease the masses this way.
• 2 containers of frosting in a jar.  Again, 1 vanilla and 1 chocolate.
• 1 package of Golden Oreos or equivalent.
• 1 bag of Tootsie Roll Minis.
• Some Green Food Coloring.

Directions!

1. Bake cupcakes according to directions on the package.  Let it cool to room temperature.
2. While they are baking, put the entire package of cookies into a ziploc bag.  Seal completely, grab a rolling pin, and crush them to bits.  Or use a food processor if you have one to annihilate the cookies.
3. Once the cookies have been crushed into obliteration, add 15-20 drops of the green food coloring.  Shake or stir, whatever is your preference.
4. Dump cookie mixture into a wide-mouth bowl.
5. After the cupcakes have cooled, frost them with the jarred frosting. \
6. Turn the cupcakes upside down and dip them into the cookie crumbles (this is why you need a wide-mouth bowl).
7. Twist them around a bit until the top is coated.
8. Once all is completed, unwrap the mini tootsie rolls.
9. Place unwrapped tootsie rolls into a microwave safe dish.
10. Nuke them in 10 second intervals.  You want them to be pliable but not nuclear hot.
11. Start to form the tootsie rolls into turds.
12. If you want diarrhea looking poops, combine 2-3 of tootsie rolls after they are pliable.  Once combined, nuke them for even longer until almost melty looking.  They will be hot to the touch but it’ll be worth it.
13. Make sure they are still warm when placing them on the cupcake.  Let it cool at room temperature and they’ll adhere better after they have cooled.
14. Done and done.

They were a hit at the presentation!  People were grossed out but loved the novelty of the idea.  It also corresponded to the poster well.

F.Y.I.: Our results exhibited that female cats prefer to use their left paw while males preferred to use their right.  However, we only had 13 “test subjects,” and some of them did not want to play with the damn feather.  It is better to say that our data is inconclusive on sex differences, but does demonstrate that cat’s do have lateralized behavior.

Now to go clean my own cat’s box.  Bwahahah.  Gross.

 

Fiddle Diddle and a HuckaLuck

Life is full of annoyances and whatnot.  I usually don’t let them get to me.

However, yesterday I let one get to me.  It is now time to vent.

It’s progressive in nature.  You see, it’s an annoying topic about “having kids.” Or as you get older, it turns into “lack of children.”  (You start to hear that statement once you reach a certain age.)

My mother has been harassing me to have children for what seems like an eternity.   First, it was getting married.  Then, she realized that may never happen, so she gave up and started on the having kids thing.  Finally, she gave up.  Then, my dude and I finally got hitched, and it started back up again.

No worries, it’s my mom and I expect it.  Like she learned to tune me out at select times, I’ve developed the same skill with her at these select “having children” moments.  It’s been working out great.

But, then other family members and friends jumped on the “having kids” bandwagon.  You see, it GETS WORSE AS YOU GET OLDER. EVEN AFTER YOU’VE SAID NUMEROUS TIMES THAT YOU’VE DECIDED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN!

However, it is family and friends so you just brush it off.  No biggie.  I still love them even though they’re occasional assholes.

But, yesterday was the straw that broke the camel’s back–or however that old saying goes.  It’s when people you have no association with whatsoever.  It does get to you after awhile.

You see, for some reason society is still in the bubble of the you-get-married-and-have-kids routine.  Especially when you look older (I am 30 and I do look coughWISERcough).  When you state that you don’t want kids, they look at you as if you’re a Kali Ma statue that has come to life.

It’s as if they see YOU as FUCKED IN THE HEAD.  I don’t know if they’re thinking that, but the look they give you implies that.  What follows next is that they tend to proceed to make it a point to try to change your mind.  Then, when that does not work, they make the statement, “Oh, when you get older you’ll at least have one.”

No, I’m religious about taking my birth control.  It’s 99.8% effective, asshat.  Also, as I get older, my eggs are less viable therefore diminishing my chances of getting pregnant greatly every year after the  age of 30.  BWAHAHA ON YOU!

Also, I’m 30.  I have not changed my mind.  Can you respect that and stop judging me.  Assess your own situation, damnit.  Also, please stop making it a point that you’re going to spend the next 30 minutes of your life to get me to change my mind.  It’s not going to work.  It’s a waste of your time and mine.

The best:  when they assume you have children because you’re older.  ”You have kids, you know how it is.”  No, I actually do not.  I sleep at night and I enjoy it.  I get to go out on a whim without having to worry about finding a babysitter.  I get to walk away from screaming children BECAUSE THEY’RE NOT MINE!  So no, I don’t have a fucking clue how it is.  Please don’t assume that I do and then expect me to relate by being more sensitive to your situation.  I don’t know how to do that because I don’t have the experience.  Nor do I want the experience.  So please, stop looking at me like I’m the asshole weirdo when I don’t help you out correctly in your situation or am not empathetic.  I just don’t know what to do or what to say.  Again, I DO NOT have the experience.

In addition, I’ve made the conscious decision not to have children.  I don’t know if I have reproductive issues or not; even better if I do.  From the age of 23, I would’ve been fixed if I could’ve found a Doctor covered my shitty HMO health insurance to do the procedure.  I’d do it now if I could find a Doctor to do the procedure with my decent PPO insurance.

But, no.  I have to keep pumping myself full of hormones and increasing my risk of developing cancerous tumors because most doctors will not tie your tubes until you’re 40 (i.e. you’re well over breeding age). This is due to the, “Oh, you say that now but you’ll more than likely change your mind.”  FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I can’t even get a medical professional to back me up.

Now, here’s the kicker: Once you say you don’t want kids, most people assume  you hate kids.  No, I actually like kids.  I have nieces and nephews, biological and through friends.  They can be fucking cute.  Annoying most of the time, but really cute.  They say funny things, they’re fun to take places, they think everything is cool.  I’m also still a kid at heart, so my child-like behavior is more accepted by 5 year olds than my fellow 30-ish year olds.  Cool beans.  So please, do not assume I hate kids because I choose not to have them.

Then comes the ‘why’ question.  I know how much responsibility and work children are.  I actually know way more about child rearing than I care to (it comes with studying bio. anthro.)  It’s fascinating stuff to learn about but to actually raise a kid?  No, that does not sound like a responsibility I want.  Funny thing is, I know more about child care than most expecting couples.  That’s a little scary.

But, I digress.  Most of my quests that I’d like to accomplish during my lifetime would be very difficult or damn-near impossible if I had a kid to raise.  I’m just selfish.  I have no problem admitting that.  This is my time and my show staring me.  And my dude. We’re happy with that.

Also, my DNA is not top-notch shit. It doesn’t need to be passed along.

A sidenote that may sound mean, but slutever: Just because you have the ability to reproduce does not mean you should.

At least Margaret Sanger would be proud of me.

/rantoff

I feel better now.

If you encounter a couple who do not want children, please be sensitive to their decision.  They get it enough grief from friends and family, they don’t need to get it from somebody they really don’t know.

MOAR LINKAGE (learn about stuff):

http://www.plannedparenthood.org/

Adventures in Hominy Grits Icky-ness

 

So, while out grocery shopping, I saw a package of Hominy Grits.  I love Hominy, so I thought to myslef, “Maybe I’ll love Hominy Grits, too!”  

That was a big fucking no.  I hated grits when I was little and this just reminded me why–the texture.  Holy-gritty-texture.  There isn’t enough cheese and butter in my kitchen to make this work.  Or at the grocery store, for that matter.

This food adventure just reminded me why they were called grits.

However, the Shrimp with the wilted Spinach were fantastic together.

• Heat some Grapeseed Oil in a pan.
• Add in some Spinach with a pinch of Salt.
• Cook for a few minutes; remove from heat.
• Using the same pan; add in Large Shrimp.
• Sprinkle with Cumin, Coriander, Salt, and Pepper.
• Add in a capful of Liquid Smoke.
• Cook until shrimp are almost done.
• Add in a splash of White Tequila (My splashes are big).
• Cook until the shrimp are done.
• Remove from heat and eat with Spinach.  Yum Yum.

If you go into the realm of Hominy grits, let me know how it goes for you.

I have some ideas on what to do with the remainder of my hominy grits.  Futuretummytroubles OHHHHNOEEEZZ!

Additional Information: 

• You can make Hominy at home!  Then you can turn into other stuff, like grits!  But, apparently it can be difficult and time-consuming.  Will I be trying this?  Yes, I will. I need more time, first!
• Hominy is an Algonquin term.  It was consumed by many Native American tribes, often made into different items such as “samp,” which is a mush.

Linkage: 

Information about Hominy
Algonquian Information with more Links

A busy week, indeed!

I gots a jobby job!  Retail work, but I’m happy I finally found employment.  It’s been a long search, but the extra money sure is nice!

However, this means not much time to cook because I’m working strange hours.  I’m also usually really tired after work because I’m not used to running around for 8-hours straight.  It makes me feel a lil’ pathetic, but I’ll get used to it…I hope.

I had to come up with dishes that I could make in advance and freeze the leftovers for days when I’m just too damn tired to cook and/or eat for lunch.

Hurrah for ziploc containers, my freezer, and old crock pot.

Fresh and Freeze Meal #1: Red Lentil Curry Moosh Pile over Baked Sweet Potatoes.   It looks a little gross, but it tastes amazing.

Fresh and Freeze Meal #2: 

A whole lotta black beans!  Very versatile as they can be eaten alone, with fried plantains, with eggs, fajita vegetables, pulled pork…good with pretty much anything.  Yum yum.

Chicken Stock, Serrano Chilies, Anaheim Chilies, Garlic Cloves, Salt, and Black Pepper were used.

Fresh Meal #3 that lasted a few days:

Rub: Ground Clove, Garlic Powder, Kosher Salt, Black Pepper, Dry Mustard, Chipotle Chile Powder.  It needs brown sugar, but I’m trying to stay away from adding extra sugar products to my fuds.

Sugar-free BBQ Sauce: Obtained from this website.

Added for cooking in the crock pot: Chicken stock and Onions.

It was pretty good, needed more flavor…and sugar.  Damn you, SUUUUGGGGGAAAARRRRR for making stuff so yummy!

Now time to plan for moar meals!  Please leave suggestions!

Super Spicy Chana Masala

So, I learned something new today:  DO NOT MESS WITH THAI CHILE PEPPERS!

Or, at least don’t use them in conjunction with Cayenne Pepper.  Holy-mouth-a-fire!

I did make Raita to go with it.  However, it didn’t help much considering I put Cayenne Pepper in that, too.  HerpaDerp.

Inspired and Modified from this recipe, using items I had at home:

Chana Masala:

Ingredients! 

• 1 Tablespoon Grapseed Oil
• 2 White Onions, Chopped
• 1 Clove Garlic, Minced
• 2 Teaspoons Ginger, Grated
• 1 Dried Red Thai Chili, Crushed**  USE A DIFFERENT CHILE OR OMIT CHEYENNE Cayenne!  Cheyenne is the capital of Wyoming, herpaderp.
• 10 Coriander Seeds, Toasted and Crushed.
• 2 Teaspoons Ground Cumin
• 1/2 Teaspoon Cayenne Pepper
• 1 Teaspoon Ground Turmeric
• 1 Teaspoon + 1/4 Teaspoon Garam Masala
• 1 Can of Tomato Paste
• 1 Cup of Water
• 2 (15-ounce) Cans of Chickpeas, Drained and Rinsed
• Kosher Salt, to taste.
• Freshly Ground Black Pepper, to taste.
• Juice of 1 Lime

Instructions!

• In a warmed skillet over Medium heat, pour in some Grapeseed Oil.  Let that heat for a few, then add in the Onions, Garlic, and Ginger.  
• When the Onions are transparent, add in the Spices EXCEPT for the Salt and Pepper.  Turn the heat to LOW.
• Cook for several minutes.  There will be a super nice fragrance in the air!
• Add in the Tomato Paste and 1/2 Cup of the Water; mix well.
• Once all is mixed, add in the Chickpeas and rest of the Water.   Bring to a simmer.
• Season with Kosher Salt and Black Pepper; cover (I like my chickpeas a little mush-y).
• I let it simmer with a lid for about 10 minutes.
• Fin.
• Devour!  Omnomnom.
• Note: The longer the chickpeas marinate in the “stew,” the better it’ll taste.

Final Verdict:  It was yummy, but eventually the spicy-ness got to me.   Cleared out my sinuses, though!   I’ll not be using the combination of Thai Chile and Cayenne Pepper ever again.  Lesson learned.

Moar Linkage: 

Raita Recipe

Root Beer “Float”

Jump to Recipe

When my dad would pick me up from my grandparent’s house, we’d always stop at the A&W stand on the way back home.

Now, most kids would be super excited about this detour in the adventure–a scoop of sugar-y, vanilla ice cream goodness covered with sugar-y, carbonated root beer goodness.

But, not for THIS super shy kid!  It was an adventure full of both excitement AND dread.  You see, I often had to order my own root beer float.  I imagine my dad did this in hopes it would help reduce the shy-ness.  Or, maybe, it could’ve been so I could practice my manners.  Either way, this task sounds very simple, right?

Only problem is:  I’m a mumbler.  I was very shy as a kid–not speaking or mumbling was the way I communicated.  Granted, I’ve gotten better about speaking up as I’ve gotten older.  But, on occasion, I unintentionally still mumble.  So, it was a HUGE ordeal when I was a kid.

“Speak up, honey!”

“What did you want?”

“Cream Soda Float?”

Eventually, the server would eventually figure out what the hell I wanted.  Or, my dad would just cave-in and tell them.  Regardless, I would soon have my reward for the minute of suffering I had to endure: An ice cold glass with a monstrous scoop of ice cream barely in the glass, floating on top of ice cold root beer.

Then I was faced with another ordeal: trying to get the straw in the glass without root beer spilling over the sides! But, it was inevitable!  Always.  Freakin’.  Happened.  Curse you, glass!

For some reason,  Today was the day I really wanted root beer.  But, the A&W of my childhood are no longer around, and it’s just not the same regardless.  But, I was going to make my own!  However, while at the store, I forgot ice cream!  NOOOOO!

I spent all day doing errands, so going out again was not going to happen.

Good thing I had Pinnacle Whipped Vodka (modified from Pinnacle Website)!

Root Beer “Float:”

• Fill a Glass with Ice.
• 1 oz. – 3 oz. of Pinnacle Whipped Vodka (or Smirnoff’s Whipped Cream Vodka)
• Fill with Diet A&W Root Beer (or regular A&W Root Beer)
• Top with Rainer Cherries!  Then push ‘em to the bottom of the glass and mush ‘em around a little with your straw.
• Optional:  Add 1 oz. of a Cherry Vodka (I recommend Stoli or Three Olives) and/or 1 oz. of Stoli Vanil Vodka (a really good Vanilla Vodka; Smirnoff Vanilla is 2nd best, IMO).  Think Cherry Vanilla Rootbeer…yumyum.

Final Verdict:  YUMMY!

You can also make a “BROWN COW ‘FLOAT’” and use Diet Coke (or regular Coke) instead of Root Beer.  This would probably be really good with Vanilla Vodka added.

How now, brown cow?

I still want an actual root beer float, though.  Maybe I’ll get one tomorrow.

Ugh…Low-Carb WTF-ness, Indeed. (Jicama and Calabaza Squash “Hash” with Black Beans and Eggs)

So, I’ve been trying to follow the Atkin’s Low-Carb diet for a few weeks.

I lost 10 lbs.  Then, I didn’t lose anything.  Nada.  Zip.  Zilch. 

Then, I started having scary episodes of ‘zoning out,’ ‘dizziness,’ or something along those lines, possibly due to my blood-sugar levels dropping and/or blood-pressure dropping.

So, I decided I had enough of those scary episodes, and incorporated fruit into my diet to help keep the blood-sugar stabilized.

Now, I haven’t gained weight, but I haven’t lost any.  Not even an inch from anywhere.  But, at least I feel better and I’m not about to pass out randomly.

Now,  I’m saying fuck this diet.  I’m doing my own damn diet.

Why?  I just feel like crap.

I’m still not going to eat bread, rice, tortillas, milk (even though I should show off my lactose-digesting abilities), or real sugar; I’m only going to eat meat for 2-3 meals per week; most of my meals will have to consist of vegetables, fruit, and legumes.  Eventually, certain grains will make it back into my diet.  Also, I will still enjoy my occasional cocktail or beer.  And real beer full of carb-goodness–no more of this Coors Light shit.  Ugh.  WTF was I thinking?  In addition, I will have 2 cheat meals a week…for sanity reasons.

I will continue my exercise routine and try to add an additional 10 minutes to any cardio activity.

Why this way?

Well, I’m just tired of feeling crappy.  Also looking at other diets and blabhlabhal…the shit just is not going to work for me.  I love food.  I am a female; speaking from an evolutionary stand-point, women love food, and they enjoy the company of people who bring them food.  The saying should be, “A way to a woman’s heart (& other certain parts) is through her stomach.”  

Now, I’m not going to do the “Paleo-diet”–I’m not even going to get started on that tangent (I’ve got my personal opinions about that diet).  I’m just going to do what I think is best for me.  And hope it fucking works.  I’ve got 20 lbs. to go!

Jicama & Calabaza Squash “Hash” with Black Beans and Eggs

Jicama is a good-tasting, cheap root vegetable that does not taste disgusting if you undercook it (unlike potatoes).

Also, it tastes excellent covered in lime (unlike potatoes).

Calabaza squash: I’ve never had it before and it looked interesting.  What the hell…in it goes!

• DIce the Jicama; slice the Calabaza squash into quarter-slices.
• Heat a large skillet with Grapeseed Oil; add in Jicama.  Season with Kosher Salt and Black Pepper.
• Cook for about 6-10 minutes; it’s really not going to get soft, so don’t expect that.
• In a smaller heated skillet, add Grapeseed Oil; add in Calabaza Squash.  Season with Kosher Salt and Black Pepper.  
• Cook for about 4-5 minutes; the squash will get soft.
• Remove Jicama from skillet; place on a paper towel.
• Cover the Jicama with the juice from 2 fresh Limes.
• In the same large skillet used for Jicama, add chopped White Onion and minced Garlic.
• Once the onions are translucent, add back in the Jicama.  Next, add in the Squash.  Combine.
• Turn the heat to low to keep the Hash warm.
• Open a can of Black Beans; drain and rinse; heat.
• Cook eggs.
• Build your plate:
• Jicama “Hash” -> Black Beans -> Low-Fat Shredded Jack Cheese -> Tomatoes -> Avocados -> Light Sour Cream -> Eggs -> Pickled Jalapenos -> Multiple Dashes of Tapatio ->Devour

Final Verdict:

It was really good, but needed some Lime Zest in the “Hash,” and I didn’t dig the Squash after a few bites.

 

I made a nasty drank…

…and I’m trying to learn how to use a fancy digital camera.

AHHHHH!

Pineapple-Jalapeno Margarita

So, I was trying to recreate a beverage I had a Palm Springs, CA.

It was a FAIL.  I used too much Jalapeno when infusing my tequila.  Way too much.  It was burn-your-bumhole spicy.  Good grief!

Also, it did not taste good, at all.  It was nasty.  At least I tried.  

At least I was able to figure how some of the do-dads and thing-a-ma-jigs on my camera.

Linkage to tasty Pineapple-Chile Margaritas:

Epicurious

Apple A Day

Bobby Flay’s Food Network Recipe 

(Lower-Carb) Beef Milanesa or Chicken Fried Steak or Mom’s Fried Steak?

Beef Milanesa can usually be found at Mexican restaurants in Torta-form.

Other countries have Beef Milanesa dishes, served 50bilionsdoifasl;dfkjal;skdfj ways.

But, I don’t know ‘them ways.  However, I do know of something similar that is like that due to working many years in a grease-pit diner–Chicken Fried Steak.  Yup.  Cover it in some white pepper gravy and you’ll have Chicken Fried Steak.

Wonder Twin Powers Activate!

Shape of a Torta!

Form of a Chicken Fried Steak!

Essentially, it’s thin-piece of breaded cube steak, fried to a golden brown.

I grew up eating this dish, not having a clue what it was.  My mom called it, “fried steak.”  Not. Appetizing. Sounding. At. All.  But, my mom was not very creative with names when it came to telling us kids what we were eating.  She just told it like it was!  ”Fried Steak.” “Shit on a Shingle (SOS).”   ”I don’t know what it is, just eat it!”  Yeah, I could go on.  Regardless of the name, it was still a very tasty dish.  Especially when baptized covered in A1 sauce.  Hey, don’t judge me!

(Lower-Carb)Beef Milanesa or Chicken Fried Steak or Fried Steak.  Erm.

You’ll need…

• 4 cuts of Cube Steak
• Almond Meal/Flour.  Measurement dependent on size of cube steak.  I had to use about 1.5 cups.  This stuff is expensive, so use as little as you can!
• 4 Eggs; scrambled.
• Kosher Salt
• Freshly Ground Black Pepper
• Cheyenne Pepper
• Dried Parsley Flakes
• Garlic Powder
• Dried Minced Onion
• Vegetable Oil; enough for frying (not completely submerged)
• Optional: 2 Limes; halved.

Instructions:

1. Using a large skillet, fill almost 1/2 of it with Vegetable Oil, over medium-heat.  Ideally, this would be done in a cast iron skillet.  Remember to not submerge the cube steak.
2. Salt and Pepper the Cube Steaks.
3. Mix together the Almond Meal, 2-3 “dashes” of Cheyenne Pepper, about 1 tablespoon of Minced Onion, about 1/2 tsp. of Garlic Powder, and about 1 tablespoon of Dried Parsley.  
4. Place the Cube Steaks into the Almond Meal; lightly coat.
5. Place the Cube Steaks into the Egg Wash; coat.
6. Place the Cube Steaks back into the Almond Meal; coat.
7. Once the oil is hot enough, carefully place the Cube Steaks into the Oil.
8. Fry until a nice golden brown; 4-7 minutes per side.
9. Remove from oil; place on paper towels.
10. Squeeze lime juice over Cube Steaks -OR- make white pepper gravy to smother them in.
11. Just sayin’: Lime Juice + A1 sauce = yummy.

DEVOUR!  OMONOMOMNOMNOM.

The (Misnamed) Chile Omelette

So, for some odd ‘effin’ reason, stores like to call the POBLANO CHILE a PASILLA CHILE.  THE POBLANO CHILE != PASILLA CHILE.  Silly stores, they’re different chilies!

The poor Poblano Pepper…it often gets called the Pasillia Pepper.  No love for the Poblano, no love.

But, I love it.  I love it so much, I put it in my omelette this morning.  With cheese.  Topped it with Avocados, Sour Cream, and Tapatio.  Omnomnomnom.

The Poblano is a versatile chili and can be used for many-a-things.  It is very mild, but has a unique flavor that is hard for me to explain.  You’ll just have to try it!  Wait, you NEED to try it.  It’s good, I swear.

It is often grown in Mexico, and originated in Puebla, Mexico.  The Poblano Chili is often used for Chili Rellenos, which are very tasty as well.

Ingredients (2 servings)!

• 6 cage-free organic Eggs.
• 1/16-1/8 Cup of Half-and-Half
• Lots of Pepper Jack Cheese; Shredded 
• Queso Fresco; Crumbled (it has a mild salt taste and is very creamy when it melts).
• Kosher Salt
• Fresh Ground Black Pepper
• Butter
• Olive Oil
• 1 Poblano Chili, Charred and Chopped (Peeling is optional; often times the skin will come off while chopping).
• 1 Avocado, Sliced
• “Spoonful” of Lite Sour Cream
• Dashes of Tapatio, of course!

Instructions!

• Char the chili.  I cut mine before charring, so I could char some of the edges as well.
• Chop the chili to a desired size.
• Place the 6 Eggs, some Half and Half, Kosher Salt, and Pepperinto a bowl.
• Obliterate!
• Heat Olive Oil and a smidge of Butter into a heated skillet.
• Make an omelette.  Linkage below explaining how to properly prepare an omelette.
• Before flipping, add in the 2 types of cheeses and charred chili.
• Fold.  Top with more cheese!
• Flip the omelette onto a plate.
• Cut in half (unless you are that hungry for a 6-egg omelette).
• Top with sliced Avocado, Sour Cream, and Tapatio.
• Tomatoes would be a nice addition!
• Devour!

Personal accomplishment:  I got large “curdles! (or did he say ‘curl?’)”  Fuck yeah!

A Blackberry Mint Iced Tea Cocktail

**I’m still on my low-carb diet, but I cheated with 1 of these**

So, 2-3 months ago I checked-out a book from my local library about how to infuse alcohol with random goodies, such as fruit, then using this infused alcohol to create fun concoctions, such as cocktails and cocktail-inspired goodies.

***INHALE***

Well, I decided to try a blackberry + mint infused vodka.

I made it, placed it in a fancy jar, and into the fridge it went!  And uh…it stayed there for 2 (possibly 3) months because I uh…*cough* totally forgot about it.

How the fuck do you forget about vodka?!  Well, during a period of my life called ‘High School,’ I killed many-a-neuron.

But, I digress.

While cleaning out the fridge, I found it!  Go me!

Then I was like, “I just made Iced Tea and it would probably be really good with the Iced Tea!”

I WAS FUCKING RIGHT!  Go me…again!

Ingredients!

• 1 Package of Frozen Blackberries (ignore the Raspberries–that was for a different experiment that never happened…I think).
• Lots of Mint Leaves
• 2 Cups of Sugar
• 1 Cup of Water
• A decent quality unflavored Vodka.
• Unsweetened, Unflavored Black Iced Tea.
• A beverage container.

Instructions!

• Place the Blackberries and Mint into the Beverage Container.
• Put the water in a sauce pan and bring to a boil.
• Once boiling, add in the Sugar.
• Stir until the Sugar has dissolved.
• Once all the Sugar has dissolved, remove from heat; set aside to cool.
• Once cool, pour the simple syrup into the container with the blackberries and mint until it is about 35% full.
• Next, fill the remainder with vodka.
• Let it sit in the fridge for at least 2 days (the longer, the better) before using.

Once it is ready to use:

• Fill a large glass with ice.
• Add in 1.5-3.0 oz. of the Infused Vodka
• Fill with Unsweetened Iced Tea.
• Garnish with fresh Mint.
• Another Garnish:  The Blackberries used for the Infusion (strain vodka into a different container).

And while drinking my new favorite beverage, one of the best soundtracks started to play.  Enjoy!

Low-Carb WTF-ness part Deux: Low-Carb ‘Juicy Lucy’ Burgers and Cuba Libre’s for the 4th of July

Today, in 1776,  America declared it’s independence from Great Britian!  Happy 4th, all!

Usually on this day, I’m partaking in the traditional BBQ fare of Hot Dogs, Burgers, Baked Beans, and some sort of Bread.  I then chase it all with beer.  Lots and lots of non-American beer.

But, I’m on my second week of my Atkin’s Low-Carb diet, so that is a no-can-do.

I’m not even supposed to have alcohol.  But, it’s been seven days and I need to celebrate, damnit!

We made ‘Juicy Lucy’ beef patties, and chased it all down with a strong Cuba Libre.

For the patties:

• 85%/15% Ground Beef
• Pepper Jack Cheese; shredded
• Pickled Jalapenos
• Romaine Lettuce
• Kosher Salt
• Black Pepper

Instructions!

• Combine the beef, shredded cheese, salt, and black pepper.
• Form into 2/3 lb. – 1lb.+ patties.
• Throw on the grill until desired done-ness.
• Once they are about complete, throw more cheese on top of each patty.  Cook for an additional 30 seconds so the cheese will melt.
• Put on a plate, surround with Romaine Lettuce and top with Pickled Jalapenos.

Cuba Libre (High-Ball Glass preferred):

• 1.5-3 oz of Silver Rum (Bacardi preferred) – 0 Carbs per 1 ounce
• Juice of 1 Lime and a Lime Wedge – 2.8 Carbs per 2 Tablespoons
• Diet Coke – 0 Carbs

Instructions!

• Fill glass with ice.
• Add in Silver Rum.
• Fill with Diet Soda.
• Top with Lime Juice.
• Hang Lime Wedge on the Glass.
• Add Straw.
• Enjoy.

Low-carb WTF-ness: Low-Carb Veggie Lettuce Wraps with Whipped Tofu and Pickled Daikon

Somebody failed to tell me that when you get married, you gain weight.  Did NOT get the fucking memo, guys.

Did some research:

1. I didn’t go on a crazy diet before my wedding.  Just worked out more to get more toned.
2. Bonding hormones.  If that theory is true, then I’m pissed because this should’ve happened 7 years ago.
3. I haven’t eaten larger portions.  Maybe more sweets, but nothing to warrant gaining 30 lbs in a few months period.
4. Breaking the 30 year age mark.  Really, metabolism?!  Fucking really?!
5. GRRRRRRR!

I’ve had weight issues when I was a kid through teenage years, but fixed it with exercise.

Then I got older and decided it was time to eat healthier foods.  I was able to maintain my happy weight with exercise and my healthier eating habits for 10+ years.

But, once I tied the knot, it was BAM!  30 pounds in a matter of few months.  This is the heaviest I’ve ever been…in my life!  WTF is that noise??@!!@#?

Well, I finally said ‘eff this noise’ and became more active in trying to fix it.

I went on low-calorie diet a month before Palm Springs.  Gained 5 pounds.  Guh?

Saw an endocronologist.  Learned some other stuff about my health (nothing major but I still have to monitor), it’s not related to weight gain though.

Awesome.

Now, I’m trying Atkin’s low-carb.  AND IT IS FUCKING WORKING!  In six days, I’ve lost 8 lbs.  Thank goodness.

Unfortunately, most of the vegetables I like, I cannot enjoy until Phase 2 or 3.  Most of the stuff in Phase 1, I do not care for.

Romaine Salads: sick of you!  Steak: sick of you, too!

So, I made something…’out of my comfort zone’ something.  I felt like I was on an episode of “Chopped.”

Atkins Phase 1 Low-Carb Veggie Lettuce Wraps with Whipped Tofu and Pickled Daikon.

Ingredients needed (Total Carbs IF YOU EAT ALL OF IT is about 16.7 Carbs; but you will not eat all of it–I don’t think–I didn’t and was full)!

• 1 head of Iceburg lettuce, leaves picked apart to be large enough to make a wrap. (Probably will use 2 max. per person; can save the rest for a salad or something)
• 1 Daikon, cut into matchsticks (1/2 Cup = 1.0 Carbs)
• 1.5 cups of Shitake Mushrooms, cut into slices. (1/2 cup = 1.2 Carbs; Total: 3.6 Carbs)
• 1/2 cup of Purple Cabbage (1/2 Cup = 1.6 Carbs)
• 2 Eggs
• 1 Package of Silken Tofu (3.2 oucnes = 1.0 Carb)
• 1/2 Tablespoon of Ginger; minced (0.4 Carbs)
• 1 Clove of Garlic; minced (0.9 Carbs)
• 2 Tablespoons of Lime Juice (2.8 Carbs)
• A few leaves of Basil
• 1 Tablespoon of Green Onion (Scallions), cut into pieces–the white part, not the green part. (1/8 cup = 1.4 carbs)
• 1 Tablespoon of Lemongrass, chopped. (1 tablespoon = 1.0 carbs)
• 1/2 Tablespoon of Fish Sauce
• 1-2 Tablespoons of Low Sodium Soy Sauce (2 Tablespoons = 3.0 Carbs)
• 1/4 Teaspoon of Sesame Oil
• Olive Oil (amount varies)
• 1 Cup of Sugar-Free Rice Vinegar
• Dried Chili Flakes
• 3-4 packets of Sweet n’ Low (or another sugar substitute)
• 3 Black Peppercorns
• 1 Tsp. of Kosher Salt
• 1 Cup of Water
• Optional: 1/4 tsp. of Serrano Chili, Chopped.

Good grief!

First, Instructions for Pickled Daikon!

• I blanched my Daikon.  It needs to be boiled to get some of the “earthy-ness (or dirt-flavor)” out.  I also wanted it to be more pliable but still crunchy.
• Obtain 1-2 jars, dependent on the size of the Daikon.
• Bring 1 Cup of water to a boil.
• While waiting for the water to boil, create an Ice Bath.
• IN A DIFFERENT POT: Add in the 1 Cup of Sugar-Free Rice Vinegar, 1 tsp of Kosher Salt, and 2-3 packets of Sweet n’ Low.  Bring to a simmer.  Let it simmer for about 5-6 minutes, then remove from heat and let it cool.
• TO THE BOILING WATER: add in a handful of the cut Daikon.
• Let it cook for about 45 seconds, remove and put into the ice bath.
• Repeat until all the Daikon has been boiled and chilled.
• Place the Daikon in the jar(s) with 3 peppercorns.
• Pour the Vinegar Mixture into the jar(s).
• Place the jars into the fridge, and let it sit for at least 4-5 hours before using.

Second, the Mushroom Filling for the Lettuce Wraps!

• Heat a skillet with Olive Oil.
• Add in the Garlic, Onions and Ginger; cook until lightly browned or desired done-ness.
• Next, add in the Mushrooms and Purple Cabbage.  Toss around the pan for about a minute.
• Then, add in the Fish Sauce, Sesame Oil, Soy Sauce.
• Mix it all together and cook until Mushrooms have shrunken in size.
• Push all the stuff to one side of the pan.
• Add in 2 eggs; scramble them a little and let them cook a bit before mixing it all together with the other goodies.
• Mix the Mushroom mixture and Eggs together; keep moving it around the pan.
• Season with Chili Flakes to desired spicy-ness.
• Once the eggs have completely cooked, add in about 1 Tablespoon of Lime Juice; remove from heat.

Thrid, the Whipped Tofu Topping!

• Drain the tofu; cut into large cubes.
• Place into the blender.
• Add in 1 Tablespoon of Lime Juice.
• Add in the Lemongrass and Serrano Chili.
• Pinch of Kosher Salt.
• Turn on the blender (low); add Olive Oil until the Tofu Mixture begins to actually mix.
• Increase the blender speed to high and let all the ingredients combine.

Fourth, making the Wrap!

• Fill a slice of Iceberg Lettuce with some of the Mushroom Mixture.
• Add some Chopped Basil Leaf, if desired (or mint)
• Add a spoonful of the Whipped Tofu Mixture.
• Top with a few pieces of Pickled Daikon.
• Wrap!

It all tastes really good together.  I only needed 1 wrap and I was full.  Plenty of Leftovers!

The Whipped Tofu needs some work texture-wise (tasted great with the mushroom and the daikon, but the texture was just weird).  The Daikon needs the pickled carrot sweetness, but I cannot have carrots yet  Sugar-filled Rice Vinegar would’ve worked better, as well.

A shot of sake would’ve been nice as well, but nocando!

Overall, this dish satisfied.  It felt so great to not eat a meat-filled dish!

Moar Linkage:

http://www.eurekalert.org/pub_releases/2011-08/osu-lwg081811.php

Chili Verde “Mush”

Chili Verde: A Pork Shoulder (a.k.a. pork butt) Stew

“Mush:” What I make when I am served Chili Verde, Rice and Beans.

Grandma was known for her chili verde dish…literally.  People would exchange bread and other stuff (i.e. mostly conchas) just to have a plate of this god-like stew served with a side of her god-like refried beans.

She also made a bunch of this stuff to feed everybody: family, friends, and also the neighbors who did not have a lot of food.   She made sure everyone she knew was fed, even before she fed herself.

But, her chili verde was often a bit spicy–like burn-your-bumhole spicy.  So, when my grandmother would hand me a plate of chili verde, I would put a dollop of sour cream on it, then mix it with the rice and beans.

GMA: “Mija, what in the world are you doing?”

ME: “Making mush.”

GMA: “Hmmm…okay, just don’t make a mess!”

I’ve called it “mush” since I was little, and I still call it “mush” now.  Gma always made sure I had a container of sour cream when I visited.

But sad to say, I do not have her recipes for her chili verde or beans.

However, that doesn’t mean I can’t try to mimic!

Chili Verde and Refried Beans (inspired by Grandma):

• 3 lb. bag of Pinto Beans that have been picked clean of rocks and soaked for at least 8+ hours.
• Once soaked, drain and place beans back into pot.
• Fill the pot with water.
• Add 2 bay leaves, kosher salt, and some Mexican oregano.
• Bring to a boil, then reduce to a simmer.
• Let it simmer for about 2 hours; the beans should be mushy.
• While the pinto beans are cooking, prep the pork shoulder (I used a 6 pound slab) and cut into 1-inch cubes (You can always have the butcher do this for you).  NOTE:  I, personally, do not remove a lot of the fat–that’s where all the flavor is.  However, if it is too much for you, trim some of it and reserve it to “fry” the pinto beans in.  Also, there will be bone you will have to deal with, so be careful!
• Once the shoulder is cut, grab a large stock pot.
• Heat the stock pot and add in some Olive Oil.
• Once the Olive Oil is warm, add in some garlic (to taste).
• Let the garlic sauté a bit, turn down the heat, then add in the cubed pork shoulder.
• Season with Kosher Salt and Freshly Ground Black Pepper (to taste).
• Let it cook for a few minutes (4-5), then transfer to a crock pot.**
  
• Once the pork shoulder is in the crock pot, add in the following:
• Salsa Verde.  I was too lazy to make this stuff from scratch (boo, hiss), but the following brands are good to use:  Trader Joe’s Salsa Verde (3 jars) and Embasa Salsa Verde (6-8 cans) are both very good.  
• 1 cup of BEER or WATER.
• 2-4 Fresh Jalapenos or another green chile, diced.  I used 2 Serrano Chile’s (more spicy than Jalapenos).
• Toss it all into a crock pot, cover, and let it cook for 4-6 hours (the longer it cooks, the more tender it will be).  The pork should be mostly covered, as pictured below.
• Take a break–you’re going to need the energy to mash beans.   After the beans have become mushy, turn off the heat and let them cool.
• Rested?  Good.  Grab some BACON.  5-6 slices should be good; cut.
• Cook the bacon in a large skillet.
• Once it is browned and the fat has seeped out, grab a coffee cup and a masher.
• 1-2 coffee cups at a time, transfer the pinto beans to the skillet full of yummy bacon.
• NOW MASH!!!
• Mash some more; transfer 1-2 cups more; mashmashmahsmhasldkfja;lskdfj;laskdfj.
• Repeat until all beans have been transferred and mashed.  Yes, your arm will more than likely be tired.
• AND DO NOT TRY TO SHORT-CUT IT BY DUMPING ALL THE BEANS IN AT ONCE.  It will not work, trust me…you’ll just make a big mess.  Not to mention, this is how grandma did it so do not try to stray from the master’s way of doing things!
• Once all the beans have been mashed, add in SLICED MONTERREY JACK CHEESE.
• Stir until well combined.
• Now, make 1 cup of AP flour thickener/paste.  
• Add in half a cup to the beans; reserve the other half for the chili verde.
• Combine and let it simmer on low heat for a few minutes.
• Season with kosher salt, to taste (may not be needed due to bacon).
• FINALLY DONE WITH BEANS!  
• Oh yeah, don’t forget you also have to make Mexican rice.  I’m not sharing that recipe….bwahhaa.
• Once the chili verde seems to nearing completion, add in the thickener and stir well (add a little in at a time to get to the consistency you want).  Make sure to let it cook for a little bit more to get rid of the “floury” taste and to allow it to actually thicken.
• Once all is completed, pile it all onto a plate or bowl.

Leftovers, yaye!

Mush in the making!

• Add the sour cream.
• Stir it all together to make the “mush.”
• Devour! Ommmnomnom.

Additional Notes:

• You can always cook the chili verde in the pot–add everything in there and let it simmer on low heat.  It’ll take half the time to cook.  I just like using the crock pot because it tends to cook the pork to perfectly soft every time, and I do not need to keep an eye on it.

A Coconut Mojito with a Pink Flamingo

Relaxing with a glass fully of yumminess, surrounded by my lawn ornaments.  What better way than to spend a sunny Saturday afternoon.

I’m missing Palm Springs!

You will need:

• Ice
• A Cocktail Shaker
• A Muddler
• Malibu Coconut Rum
• Coco Real Coconut Syrup
• Fresh Mint
• 2 Limes
• Sugar or Sugar Substitute
• Club Soda
• Jigger or 1 oz. Shot Glass
• A fancy schmancy glass

Instructions!

• Squeeze the juice from 1 lime into the glass.
• Put several leaves of Mint into the glass.
• Add a packet of sugar or sugar substitute.
• Muddle, muddle, muddle!
  
• Set the glass aside.
• Obtain the shaker and fill with ice.
  
• Add in 2-3 oz. of Malibu Coconut Rum
• Add 1 teaspoon of Coco Real Coconut Syrup
• Add in juice from 1/2 of a lime.
• Add in a few more leaves of mint.
• Shake 4-5 times.
• Pour ice and liquid into the glass.
• Fill with club soda.
• Add in straw.  Garnish with a wedge of lime and mint spring.
• Sip and enjoy!

OPTIONAL STUFF:

• Line the glass with sugar.  Toasted coconut would be fun.
• Use 2 oz. of Malibu Coconut Rum + 1 oz. of Silver Rum.  However, I preferred the taste of using nothing but Coconut Rum.

Fabulous!

The Dirty Thirty

I turned 30.  Yaye!  I made it!

Most people dread this milestone, but me, I’m happy.  Why?  ’Cause I was young, and did a lot of dumb things that could’ve killed me.  Or at least should’ve put me in the hospital.

But I survived and made it to 30!  FUCK YEAH!

Granted, it’s not without its downsides.  My knees crack every time I walk around in the mornings (WTF is that?!) and heartburn is a bitch.

Also, fuck you, metabolism…who told you that you could slow down?!

But, I digress.

To celebrate this glorious milestone, I went to Palm Springs with my husband and a few close friends.  I’ve never been because I always thought it was the geriatric epicenter of California that had cool mid-century modern architecture!

But, there’s a lot more to Palm Springs than just that…like AMAZING FOOD! 

And what better way to spend your last food hurrah than being a glutton in Palm Springs?!

Too bad my birthday wasn’t in October because IT WAS FUCKING HOT!  109?!?  Really?

But, good thing our hotel had a pool.  A nice, heated one.  It was amazing.

First things first…food!  Ate at a place called “CHEEKY’S (or Cheeky Monkey).”  Such good food.  A bacon flight?  Brioce French Toast with homemade apricot preserves?  I was all over it.  Too bad my camera was not and I didn’t get any pictures.

After lunch, it was still too early for check-in, so what better time than to drink!  Within, walking distance was a place called TROPICALE.  Looks like a shady strip club, but once inside…

…it’s like you’re transported to the set of Mad Men.  I was in heaven.

Oh wait…I should use Hipstamatic to add to the vibe…

There we go.

This place raised my expectations for cocktails.  They were so good.  Jalapeno Mango Margarita?  Check.  Creamy Coconut Mojito?  Check.  Ginger Mint Mojito?  Check.

So yummy!

A belly full of bacon and liquor requires walking to find more delicious food and fabulous drinks.

Silly Palm Tree is missing its head!

While walking, we came across a HUGE Marilyn Monroe Statue.  It was transported here for my birthday!  Not really, but it showed up the week prior and will be on the move again in a few weeks.  Very impressive statue.

Complete with painted red toes!

Walked and walked.  Almost had a heat stroke.  Had to stop and find beer.   LULU CA BISTRO.

Eventually got hungry again.  Excellent food.  I had the Seafood Chowder..

Sand Dabs in a Lemon Caper Sauce, and Flourless Chocolate Cake.

Washed it all down with Stella’s.

Then, stumbled back.  Fell asleep eventually.  Then the adventure started again!

Blabhlahblabhlabhalbhalbhothothothothtohtohot….then went to a very neat place called the Regency.

Such a neat place.  I was in awe.  I wish I had taken more pictures.  Inside the Riviera is an excellent restaurant known as CIRCA 59.

Too many choices, but the Watermelon Coconut soup with Lump Crab was amazing.

The steak was cooked perfectly.  The cheese was bit much, but overall it was still yummy.

Then, sticky toffee pudding to finish it all off.  The pastry chef was sweet enough to add a lil’ something extra to my dessert plate.

It was delicious!

Other tidbits from the trip…

Marilyn Monroe’s House and all its shrubbery.

Yup.

Rocks!  Neat Houses!

HOT!!!

I had a great dirty 30 birthday.  So much fun.  I highly recommend everyone take a Palm Springs vacation.

Fin.

Diaper Cake

Who the fuck makes stuff like this?

People like me; the people who know people who reproduced and are about to pop-out little offspring.  And you like these people, so you want to give them something nice to celebrate the lil’ shit…er kid…they’re bringing into the world.

I mean, can you really have enough diapers?  These lil’ humans shit about every 2 hours.

Considering that fact alone, the diaper cake seemed like an excellent idea.

I never thought I would ever see myself making one these–it makes me feel like an adult.  Good lord, when the fuck did that happen? An adult?!  Adults (usually) have the kids…and I know lots of adults who are having (or have had) children.

“Where did the time go?” — a phrase I often heard when I was younger, often uttered by both of my parents.  Now, I totally understand.  Time just seriously passes by at a faster rate as you get older.  I’m certain that once I break the 30-year mark (which is quickly approaching), I’ll be at the age of 40, in what will feel like 25 minutes.

But, I digress.

The diaper cake was a lot of fun to make and was relatively inexpensive (hooray for coupons!).  It caused the mother-to-be to cry, so I say it was a winner.

Instructions on how to build a 3-layer diaper cake:

http://www.plan-the-perfect-baby-shower.com/diaper-cake.html

Materials I used:

• Black Feathers
• Pink Feathers
• Black Boa
• Rhinestones
• Black Pipe Cleaners
• Johnson & Johnson Baby Travel Kit
• MUM Pacifiers
• Few things from the Dollar Store and Sprouts (Butt Paste, Lavender Baby Soak, Baby Orajel Naturals, Baby Spoons).
• Rattle
• 7 Different types of Ribbon
• Circular Cake Board
• Cardstock to make name plate.
• Onsies, a rectangular box, and a baby bottle were used to fill the gap in the center (instead of using a wine bottle).
• Hot Glue Gun
• Rubberbands
• Rubber Cement
• Double-sided Tape

Obtained coupons from these sites (why pay full-price you do not need to?):

• Coupons. com
• Target.com (can stack manufacturer with store coupons = more gifts for parents-to-be)
• Vons/Safeway/Pavillions Just for U program
• Michael’s Mobile Coupons
• Joanne’s Fabrics

“Oliekoek”

Or an “Oil Cake,” better known as a Doughnut (or Oliebol).

The veryquickhistory of this type of doughnut is as follows:

Dutch immigrated to North America and brought all their tasty, sweet noms with them.  One of them was known as an oliekoek (within North America).

I have no idea how to say oliekoek, let alone cook one.  But, based of what I’ve read, it’s a sweetened dough ball, stuffed with a piece of fruit or nut in the center, that is then deep-fried in glorious animal fat.  Apparently, the centers were stuffed with fruits or nuts because the cake would not fully cook through. 

I did not used yeast because I wanted something sweet NOW! OMGIMPATIENT!

Would I make these again?  Probably not…not sweet enough.  Also, my sweet dough recipe needs work (i.e. yeast), but not bad for the first time.

The Ingredients!

• 2 Cups of AP Flour (260g)
• 4 Tablespoons (half a stick) of Unsalted Butter
• 1/2 Cup of White, Granulated Sugar (100g)
• 1 Tablespoon of Dried Buttermilk + 1/4 Cup of Water (55mL)
• 1 Teaspoon of Baking Powder
• 1/4 Teaspoon of Kosher Salt
• Lard
• Almonds

The Instructions!

• With the mixer on a medium speed, cream the butter with sugar.
• Next, add in the flour, baking powder, salt, dry buttermilk, and egg.  Combine.
• Add in the water.
• Once fully combined, the dough should come out of the bowl easily and be slightly tacky.  Wrap in plastic wrap and let it sit for 15-30 minutes.
• After it has set, use a spoon to help measure the size of a ball–I tested different sizes and found that smaller is better!  Sounds small?  Yes, but it will expand when fried!
• Make the dough ball half the size of your spoon.
• Place 1-2 almonds in the middle. 
• Fold dough over the almond; roll dough around in hand to make a ball.
• I found that flatting the ball a little helped in making sure the middle was cooked.
• I used half a stick of Farmer John’s Lard.  Heat and melt in a high-walled pan.  I do not have a proper temperature as my thermometer was not in the oil  FAIL.  But, keep in mind that the smoking point of lard is 375F, so I would stay between 300F-325F.  USE CAUTION!
• Once the oil is hot enough, carefully place several Oliekokes into the pan.
• Count to 20 seconds, check underneath to make sure it is a golden brown.  If not, count another 10 seconds and check.  Repeat counting until golden brown.
• Flip and use the same counting strategy for the other side.
• I also did the sides of the Oliekoeks for about 10 seconds, each side.
• Remove the Oliekoeks from the pan and cool on a paper towel.
  
• Cover in white sugar and devour.

FINAL VERDICT:

Needs to be sweeter!  I’m 99.97% sure they taste a helluva-lot better in the Netherlands, and I would love to go there to have one (adding that to the Bucket List).  Really need a yeast-based sweet dough for these.  Lesson learned!

Moar Linkage:

http://allrecipes.com/recipe/oliebollen-dutch-doughnuts/

Menudo Fail

It failed in more ways than one.

I so wanted some homemade menudo.  The sweet hominy, the tender tripe, and beef-chili broth all partying together to taste awesome.

But, it was not be.  I felt sad and defeated.

The first kicker:  The report a Mad Cow Disease Incident being found in California.

Fuck.  I just bought honey-comb beef tripe and beef bones from the Mexican Market.  IT WAS ALREADY SUBMERGED IN BUTTERMILK, SITTING IN MY FRIDGE, DAMNIT!

I could’ve still eaten it, but I’m not taking any chances.  ’Eff that noise.

BUT, I was not going to give up.   I had bought beef broth awhile ago and still had it in the cabinet!  I did not have any other protein choices, so I decided to just do a hominy-type soup.

FAIL!

The broth was not bad, but it just was not menudo broth.  The hominy did not cook enough.  Also, the broth needed more seasoning.

I drowned my sorrows (and hunger) into a bowl of raisin bran.  Damn you corporation farming and BSE Agent.

 I need to find a place that sells grass-fed beef tripe.

Dairy-free and Egg-Free Rum Bananananananana Dark Chocolate Chip Bread

What I encountered today was the all-to-often scenario of having over-ripened bananas that are too gross to eat, but you’ll feel bad if you throw ‘em out.  So what’s the common thing to do?  Make some damn banana bread!

Also, it was the perfect opportunity to try out my new scale!  

Baking Time: 55 minutes – 65 minutes
Oven Temperature: 350° Fahrenheit
Yield: 1 tasty loaf of ‘Naner bread.

Can be mixed by hand.  Will need 2 bowls and a bread loaf pan.

Ingredients: 

• 4 Over-ripened Bananas
• 455 grams (~2 cups measured) of AP Unbleached Flour (I used Trader Joe’s brand)
• 160 grams (~3/4 cup measured) of Light Brown Sugar, packed
• 100 grams (~1/2 cup measured) of Unflavored Applesauce ((50 grams (1/4 cup measured) is equivalent to 1 Large Egg replacement)).
• 70 mL (1/3 cup measured) of Canola Oil or Vegetable Oil
• 1 tsp + 1/2 tsp of Baking Soda
• 1 tsp + 1/2 tsp of White Distilled Vinegar
• 1/4 teaspoon Kosher Salt
• 1/4 teaspoon Pure Vanilla Extract
• 40-50 mL (1 airplane bottle) of Silver Rum OR a Banana-Infused Rum OR Bourbon
• 250 grams (1 cup + 1/2 cup measured) of Dark Chocolate Chips

Directions:

1. Peel and mush bananas into a bowl.
2. Add in the Rum & Stir.  Let it sit for about 10-15 minutes.
3. Preheat oven.
4. After 10-15 minutes, add in the Applesauce, Brown Sugar, Salt, Vanilla Extract, & Canola Oil; Stir until well blended.
5. Add in the AP Flour.  Stir until well blended.
6. In a separate bowl, quickly mix the baking soda with the vinegar; stir.  Quickly dump the mixture in the batter while it is reacting; Stir.
7. Stir in Chocolate Chips.
8. Dump batter into a greased loaf pan (My loaf pan is on the larger side–not sure of its measurements).
9. Bake, Cool, then Devour.  Omnomonomonomonom.

Final Verdict: 

• It was very moist, hearty, and a lil’ decedent (or “rich”).  Really could not taste the rum, but while mixing  with the bananas it smelled heavenly.  Bourbon would be a good add-in because of the dark chocolate chips, so I’ll keep that in mind for next time.  Both my husband and I really enjoyed it.

Chicken Molé (without chocolate) – it’s what’s for DINNAR!

A lil’ tid-bit about me:

I’m half Mexican-American.  But the kicker is that I’m super white.  Yes, I really am half Mexican-American–my mother is the Mexican-American, so none of that “that ain’t yo’ daddy” business (ACK @ MAURY REFERENCE!!! NOOOOOOO!!!).

Oh, the fun of genetics!

Anywho, one of an almost once-a-week dinner (every other day when I went to visit Grandma) was Red Chicken Molé ((no, I do not speak Spanish and I do not know the proper term–Grandma (Spanish was her first language) just called it, “chicken molé” so that’s what I’ll call it, too)).

Molé is kind of just a term to say “gravy” or “a thick sauce.”  It doesn’t have to have chocolate or 30 billion other ingredients in it.

Unfortunately, my grandma passed away when I was a 14 (cancer sucks it).  I never got to learn her way of cooking it.  My mother didn’t learn either, and she’d use the jarred molé.  I used to watch grandma make it and help her in the kitchen, but I cannot recall most of the ingredients.  It was so yummy, too.    I miss my grandma.

My Red Chicken Molé (inspired by Grandma):

*It’s definitely not as good as Grandma’s, but it’s mighty tasty.  

The Ingredients:

• 8 Chicken Thighs and 4 Chicken Legs OR 12 Chicken Thighs (I used the legs for the bone and skin to add some flavor).
• 7-9 of dried, de-seeded New Mexico Hot Chilis (how spicy you like it–keep some seeds to add an extra kick)
• 1 tablespoon of Ground California Chili Pepper (more if you want it super spicy)
• 1 Medium Yellow (or white) Onion, Chopped
• 2 cans (12 oz.) of Tomato Paste (I did not have any fresh tomatoes)
• 1/2 tsp. of Ground Clove
• 1 tsp. of Ground Cumin (I love cumin, so add a lil’ less if you do not)
• 1/4 tsp. of Mexican Oregano
• 2-3 Tablespoons of crushed garlic/minced garlic (blasphemy! I used the jarred stuff)
• Kosher Salt and Fresh Ground Black Pepper (to taste)
• Thickener: 1 spoonful of Potato starch mixed with water -or- cornstarch mixed with water.  If you’re going to use potato starch or arrowroot, add it in when the dish is almost done so it’ll thicken.  Root starches have a lower boiling point.  Therefore, the molecular structure can be easily destroyed during excessive boiling, which will cause no thickening to happen.
• Lots and lots of water.

The Instructions:

• Fill a large stock pot with a lot of water and bring to a simmer.
• Place the chicken into the water, bring to a boil, and let the chicken cook for about 30 minutes (maybe less).
• Remove the chicken from the pot and place in a bowl; set aside.
•  Reserve at least 10 cups of the chicken stock.  Or try to save it all, just in-case; set aside in a bowl.
• Using the same stock pot, add in 1-2 cups of the stock and the dried chilies.
• Let them re-hydrate for a few minutes (I was not paying attention how long mine took, but I’m going to guess about 5 minutes).
• Next, add in the spices (except salt and pepper), garlic, and onion.  Stir and return to a simmer.
• Add the tomato paste.
• Add 2-3 cups of the reserved chicken stock.
• Grab an immersion blender (buy one, they’re awesome) and blend!
• Bring to a simmer.
• Add in chicken and 4-6 cups of the stock (chicken should be completely submerged).
• Taste, add in salt and pepper to preference (WARNING: it will be spicy when tasting).
  
• Let it simmer, uncovered, for about an 1.0-1.5 hours.  How I judge when it’s ready:  the chicken is falling apart from the bone and the sauce has cooked down.  So, it may need longer.
• Remove from heat and add in the potato starch mixture (you do not need a lot).  Stir.
• Serve with a side of rice and devour.

Final Verdict:  I really enjoyed it and it made me happy.  May add some dried coriander next time (I usually don’t like the stuff, but might be good with all the other ingredients).  Could’ve been a lil’ thicker, but whatever.

Lacto-Vegetarian-friendly Spicy Chocolate Cupcakes (sans frosting)

Bwahaha….

ahem…yeah…cupcakes…

Yield: 12 Cupcakes
Oven Temperature: 375° Fahrenheit  (191° Celsius)
Baking Time: 17-20 minutes

* denotes future adjustments to try out

The Ingredients: 

• 1 Cup of Whole Wheat AP Flour (I used Trader Joe’s brand)*
• 3/4 Cup of White Granulated Sugar
• 1/8 tsp. of Kosher Salt
• 1/4 Cup of Unflavored Apple Sauce
• 1 tsp. of Baking Soda*
• 1 tsp. of White Distilled Vinegar*
• 1 Cup of Vanilla Flavored Soy Milk (if using unflavored, add more Vanilla Extract)
• 1/4 Cup of Vegetable Oil or Canola Oil
• 1/4 tsp. of Pure Vanilla Extract
• 1 tablespoon of Lecithin Granules
• 4 tablespoons of Chocolate Drinking Powder (if using a cocoa baking powder, use 2-3 Tablespoons of the baking powder + 1/4 cup more sugar).  I used Dagoba Xocolatl Drinking Chocolate/Hot Chocolate powder.
• If not using Dagoba Xocolatl Drinking Chocolate:
• Add 1/4-1/2 tsp. of ground Cheyenne pepper.
• Add 1/2 tsp. of ground Cinnamon.

The Instructions!

• Preheat oven to 375°F.
• So, instead of powdered Lecithin (it was very expensive), I got the cheapest soy lecithin granules I could find.  This stuff is kind of sticky.  I used a blender to turn 1 Tablespoon into a powder.  A lot of it stuck to the blender and I had to scrape it out.  This took awhile.  A long while.  Probably should’ve added some water.  Or just paid for the powder.  Regardless, I managed to get most of it out of the blender.
  
• Sift all of the dry ingredients together in the mixing bowl, EXCEPT THE LECITHIN.
  
• Dump the lecithin into the dry mix.
• Combine all the wet ingredients in a different bowl.  Set aside.
  
• Mix the dry ingredients together on a Low Speed on the mixer.
• Slowly add in the wet ingredients.  Switch to a medium speed and fully combine.
  
• Line a Cupcake Pan with some cute liners.
• Dump the batter into a Ziploc bag.  The Ziploc bag is a cheap and easy way to make a piping bag.
• Cut one of the corners on the Ziploc bag at an angle (not too big!).
• Pipette the batter into the liners.
  
• Bake for 17-20 minutes.
• Cool before frosting.

Final Verdict:  So good.  Really good.  My husband loved them.  They didn’t need frosting.  They were a little bitter because of the cocoa content (dark chocolate), but I liked it.  My husband didn’t taste bitter, but he loves dark chocolate and is not a taster.

They were so moist and kind of crumbly. But, crumbly obviously does not bother me because I ate 2 of the damn yummy things!  It made me happy.

Adding frosting would make it more sweet, but my frosting attempt failed.  It involved granulated sugar (did not have powdered sugar), coconut oil, evaporated milk, arrowroot, and vanilla extract.  I’ll try again another day.

In the meantime, I just used a jar of premade chocolate frosting.

Now to explain why I chose some of the ingredients:

• Unflavored Apple Sauce acts as a decent substitute for Eggs, since it acts as the binder.  Also, it is a natural sweetener so you can use less sugar.  However, it does not provide the volume as an egg would or its emulsifying properties.  Warning: Applesauce can make a cake dense!  Vegan Friendly.
• Soy Milk helps make the cake moist and contributes to the cakes structure–it acts as a toughener as it helps with gluten development.  If you want to use regular milk, substitute same amount.  I used vanilla flavored soy milk to add extra flavor.  Vegan Friendly.  If soy intolerant, use Almond Milk.
• Vegetable Oil/Canola Oil – substitution for the Butter component, but adds no flavor.  If you want to use butter, use the same measurement but make sure it is melted and clarified.  Vegan Friendly.
• Chocolate Drinking Powder instead of Baking Powder: Yes, you can bake with drinking powder, as long as it does not have a ton of preservatives/added shit.  A good drinking chocolate should just have cocoa, sugar, a very lil’ amount of milk, and spices/flavoring.  If using drinking powder, cut down on the sugar and you may need to scale back the flour usage (I didn’t and the batter still came out fine).  To make Vegan Friendly, make sure to get a vegan dark chocolate powder.
• Lecithin Granules:  The egg yolk substitute.  Lecithin is a molecule found in egg yolks and plants.  Lecithin Granules are obtained from either soy beans or sunflower seeds, have the same molecular properties as an egg yolk.  Therefore, the lecithin granules you can buy at a health food store helps with the emulsification of oils and liquids.  Vegan Friendly.  If soy intolerant, use the lecithin obtained from sunflowers.
• Baking Powder + Vinegar = CO2 production = Volume of cake.  Also, vinegar helps make a cake moist.  Vegan Friendly.

Future adjustments to make:

So, my cake did not have a nice little dome shape as I would like.  They were a lil’ flat.

• Add more Flour.  The batter was a little on the water-y side.
• And/Or combine the vinegar and baking soda together (as pictured above), then fold it into the cake mixture while it’s reacting.
• And/Or adding more baking soda and vinegar.  Maybe a 1/2 tsp. more.

Hopi Piki Bread

The Hopi reside in Northeastern Arizona, inhabiting three mesa tops.  The location is about an hour or so away from The Grand Canyon (would be a cool place to visit if given the chance–their monthly ceremonies are public and there is a tour service).

The modern Hopi still have very many traditional practices, are a very egalitarian society, and still practice their traditional spiritual ceremonies (the Hopi did not adopt Christianity).  They are a very interesting Native American culture to learn about.

Ceremonial Photo with Hopi Kachinas and Hopi residents on rooftops.

One of the traditional food items still made in the traditional way is Piki Bread.  It is composed of Blue Corn Meal, Water, and Juniper Wood Ash.

Blue Corn Piki Bread

Corn farming is very important to the Hopi, and Piki Bread is very important as well.

First, a Hopi woman must grind the blue corn using grinding stones (they do have modern corn grinders, but still use grinding stones if it is a ceremonial activity).  It is cooked on a hot stone (piki stone) over an open fire.  The piki stone has been passed down from mother to daughter for generations.  A Hopi woman will smear animal brain on the stone as a grease component.  She will then dip her hand into the batter and use her bare hand to smear the batter over the hot stone.  This creates a very thin piece of bread that can be folded.

Hopi maiden women grinding corn. The maiden hairstyle is known as squash blossoms.

I attempted to make piki bread.  I had very little success.  Also, I did not use my hands to smear piki batter on a hot pan because I do not have the experience or calluses.

• 1/4 cup of Blue Corn Meal
• 1/4 cup-1/2 cup of Water, boiling
• 1/4 cup of Juniper Wood Ash (if you can find it).  I couldn’t find Juniper wood, and even if I could, not sure I would want to set it on fire.  The last that I want is a headline in the local newspaper to read “Apartment buildings burnt down due to woman trying to make bread.” I ended up charring a corn tortilla and scrapped off the charred bits.
• Animal Lard preferred to smear on a pan, but butter would probably work too.

• First, heat up the pan with the lard/butter/oil-of-some-sort
• Next, mix the boiling water, blue corn meal, and ash together in a mixing bowl.
• Then, pour a small amount of batter into the pan and quickly spread it around with the back of a spoon.

• Finally, remove the bread with a spatula (does not take long to cook)

I didn’t have much success, and I tried about 10 times with 2 different batters.  It will not fold without snapping in half.  I will be trying again later tonight after I get back from the gym, so expect an Attempt #2.  (Adding less water).

 

It tastes good–like a blue corn tortilla chip.

Moar Linkage:

Video showing a Hopi woman making Piki bread: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J1FwRq6bnQE

Hopi Video to buy: http://www.amazon.com/American-Indian-Video-Series-Hopi/dp/6304896212/ref=sr_1_12?s=movies-tv&ie=UTF8&qid=1333678695&sr=1-12

Mad Men Inspired Cocktails…

Mad Men is back!  /happydance

Of course, I missed the season premiere because the power went out.  Luckily, re-runs were running late into the night and I was able to record it.

I’m going to be watching it in a few minutes, but I needed to make cocktails to enhance viewing pleasure.

First, the main ingredient: Orange Tang!  I haven’t had this stuff in ages–I had a high consumption of this stuff when I was a kid.

Buy why Tang? Well, it was invented in the late 50′s, but didn’t become popular until the space program started using this stuff for astronauts in the early 60′s.  So, this equates to about the same time period as Mad Men.

——————————————————————————————————————–

First, prepare 1-2 quarts of Orange Tang.

Cocktail #1: The Cosmonaut

The original is unflavored Vodka and Orange Tang.  I used a flavored vodka.

• Fill a glass with ice
• Add 50mL of Pinnacle Whipped Cream Vodka (1 airplane bottle)
• Fill with prepared Orange Tang

Final Verdict: Dangerously good!  Tastes like an orange creamsicle to the(n)th power.

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Cocktail #2: The “Cosmo”-naut

A play on words here–modifying the cosmopolitan martini.  All my martini glass are no longer with us, so a fancy wine goblet will be the receptacle instead.

• Chill the glass with ice cubs.  While chilling, place the following items into a martini shaker…
• 1.0 oz (30mL) of non-flavored or Citrus Vodka
• 0.5 oz (15mL) of Triple Sec
• 0.5 oz (15mL) of lime juice
• 1.5 oz – 2.0 oz (45mL-60mL) Orange Tang

Shake it all up!  Dump the ice cubs out of the glass then pour in tasty beverage.

Garnish with a lemon twist or cherry (a few cherries sunk to the bottom).

Final Verdict: My husband likes it, I thought it was okay.  But, I’ve never been a big fan of Cosmos, even with cranberry juice substituted with orange tang.

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Cocktail #3: The Scary B-Movie Monster (I really did not know what else to call it, but it kind of reminded me of a monster from a cheezy movie that you would watch on Elvira’s show.  I’m well aware that I’m an odd individual.)

• Fill glass with ice cubs.
• Add 0.5 oz – 1.0 oz (15 mL – 30 mL) of a Silver Rum
• SLOWLY Add 0.5 oz of Blue Curacao

• SLOWLY Fill the glass with Orange Tang
• Garnish with 2 cherries (eyes) and a straw (nose/antennae)

Final Verdict: Really good!  After you mix it all up, it turns a weird green color, but it looks cool and tastes good.

——————————————————————————————————————–

Cocktail #4: (Needs a Name–maybe The Abomination?)

• First, muddle cherries + juice with some sugar.
• Next, add 1.0 oz (30mL) – 1.5 oz (45 mL) of Bourbon
• Add some ice, if desired
• Fill with some Orange Tang

Final Verdict: It was not bad, not bad at all.  Probably would taste better with Jim Beam’s Red Stag Bourbon though.  Still unsure of this one.

Way more information than you wanted to know about what I had for lunch…

Salads.  I’m not the biggest fan of salads.  If you have a yummy salad recipe, please share!

But, they are usually composed of things that are good for you.  Yes, it usually gets covered with dressing, but as far as I’m concerned, if it gets you to eat the raw foliage, then cover it in dressing!

I had a really good salad today.  I impressed myself.  It was so good that I may even have for lunch tomorrow.

I’m recalling stuff from a biochem/molecular/genetics biology class I took 2 semesters ago.  It was an awesome class, and I learned so much about nutrition and how my body operates.  So now I’m going to geek out a little.  Also, some information from an anatomy class.

The Salad Composition

Organic Raw Spinach:

• Very High amounts of Vitamin K.  Vitamin K is good for you because it helps with blood clotting.
• High amounts of Vitamin A Carotenoids.  The immune system loves this stuff.
• Good source of Iron and Foliate.  Red Blood Cells need this stuff for cell production.  Ward off that anemia!

There’s more good stuff, but I’m over listing them for spinach.  Moving on.

Organic Baby Lettuce:

• Adds a nice flavor and  “sweetness.”  Goes well with the spinach.  Not much nutritional value, but is low calorie and low in saturated fat, so you’re not hurting much by adding it just for flavor purposes.

Organic Shredded Carrots:

• Loaded with A LOT of antioxidants. Keep those ebil radicals at bay!  They want to harm your cells by stealing your cell’s electrons, so don’t let them!  Also, there has been some studies (not much) in relation to eye health and the prevention of glaucoma.

Green Cabbage:

• When compared to spinach, it’s not as high on the nutrition chart.  HOWEVER, it has polyhenals that help reduce inflammation AND glucosinolates which help prevent cancer.  But, this is also what makes cabbage taste bitter to some people.

Sunflower Seeds:

• Good amount of Vitamin E which is also an antioxidant.  Another factoid about Vitamin E that I found interesting: it helps with cell signaling and gene expression.

Dried Cranberries:

• Added a nice sweetness to the salad.  A good source of Vitamin C and helps prevent UTI.

Kidney Beans:

• Fiber uppercut.  Lots of fiber.  It helps you feel full.  Also, if you mix kidney beans with a whole grain, such as rice, you get a complete protein.  You need those amino acids.
• Very Good source of Molybdenum which helps with energy production.
• Good source of the amino acid Tryptophan.  No, it will not make you sleepy, but can help you sleep better (serotonin).  Also, your cells use tryptophan for protein synthesis.
• They just taste yummy.

Garbanzo Beans (Chickpeas):

• Taste yummy.
• More Fiber.
• May help lower bad cholesterol levels.

Jack and Mild Cheddar Shredded Cheeses:

• Good source of calcium.  However, you need vitamin D in order to for your body to use the Calcium (most dairy products are fortified with vitamin D).  Calcium helps with muscle contractions and bone density.  If there is not enough Calcium ions for your muscle cells to use, it’ll start pulling it from your bones.  That is no good.

Grilled Chicken:

• Good source of protein=lots of amino acids=protein synthesis for tissue repair after yoga class.
• I’m a omnivore and like grilled chicken on my salads.

Cover it all in a creamy balsamic vinaigrette and devour.

Moar Linkage:

http://www.cancer.org/Treatment/TreatmentsandSideEffects/ComplementaryandAlternativeMedicine/HerbsVitaminsandMinerals/molybdenum

http://micro.magnet.fsu.edu/aminoacids/pages/tryptophan.html

http://watcut.uwaterloo.ca/webnotes/Pharmacology/page-6.1.html

http://highered.mcgraw-hill.com/sites/0072495855/student_view0/chapter10/animation__breakdown_of_atp_and_cross-bridge_movement_during_muscle_contraction.html

http://www.whfoods.com/

Cactus! (Cactus Salsa)

Cactus seems like it would be a lil’ tricky to harvest and eat–removing the needles from the cactus and getting poked, then cooking the cactus to help get rid of some of the slime.

Luckily, you can buy cactus that has already been processed.

But, the Cahuilla Native Americans of the Southern California Desert (Palm Springs region) did not have this luxury, and harvested several species of cacti, along with the buds, for a food source.

Beavertail Cactus

However, this was not their “go-to” food source.  Other items were available for gathering such as acorns (primary food source), mesquite beans (another primary food source), agave, the ambiguous jackrabbit, squirrels, as well as other small game and desert plant life.

Cahuilla Woman

Kind of off-topic: Acorn processing is a fascinating process that I do want to try someday!  I would love to get some ground acorn and bake with it.  But, I do not have any acorns available to me right now   Here’s a good link on acorn processing with recipes: http://honest-food.net/2010/01/14/acorn-pasta-and-the-mechanics-of-eating-acorns/

So, I decided to use cactus due to it’s availability and ease of access.  Unfortunately, I could not find fresh cactus, so I had to buy the jarred stuff.

Cactus Salsa:

Ingredients:

• 16 oz. jar of Cactus.  Also known as Nopalitos/Nopales (“Cactus Stem” in Spanish).  The cactus you buy in the jar is the prickly pear stem–Beavertail Cactus is a species of Prickly Pear Cactus.
• 12 oz./1 can of Yellow Corn
• 1/2 of a medium sized Yellow or White onion, minced
• Juice of 2 Limes
• 1/2 of an Avocado
• 1 Anaheim Chili (or Jalapeno Chilies), charred
• Minced Garlic, to taste (I love garlic)
• Kosher Salt, to taste
• Freshly Ground Black Pepper, to taste
• OPTIONAL: Black Beans.  Combined with the corn, this creates a complete protein.  Your cells will <3 you.
• OPTIONAL: Tomato.  I did not have any.  The red color would be nice.
• OPTIONAL: Cilantro.  I hate it so I did not add it.  But, if you’re a lover of cilantro, you’ll probably find it mighty tasty if mixed in.

Instructions:

• If using jarred cactus:  Rinse…several times.  It is packed in vinegar, salt, cilantro, and other stuff.  I rinsed, let it sit in water, then rinsed again.  Let it dry on some paper towels for a few minutes.  Next, place the cactus in a saucepan over medium heat and cook for 4-5 minutes to help it dry and not be slimy.  Cool and Dice.
• If using fresh cactus leaves: boil for several minutes.  Let it rest and dry, then cut.  It will be slimy if you do not boil the cactus!
• Let the cactus cool.  Stick in the fridge if needed.
• Char the chili of choice for more chili flavor and char’d goodness.  Cool and mince.
• Add in minced onion, minced chili, corn, minced garlic, and lime juice.
• Season with the black pepper and salt.
• You can consume right away, but I would let it sit for awhile as it tends to taste better after an hour or so.
• Do not top with avocado until you are ready to consume because it will brown.

That’s it.  I really enjoyed it.  However, my husband did not, but he hates cactus.  Also, it does need color from a different spectrum.  Damn me for not having tomatoes.

Moar Linkage:

http://www4.hmc.edu:8001/humanities/indian/basketry/Cahuilla.html
http://www.desertusa.com/magoct97/oct_pa/du_prkpear.html

3.14…It’s Pi Day!

But, I made brownies.

Oh, and it’s Albert Einstein’s Birthday.  Whattadayforphysicsandmathnerds!

Back to Brownies…my arch nemesis /shakefist

In the spirit of the upcoming St. Patrick’s Day festivities…the Black and Tan Brownie! (Attempt #3)

Let the battle royal begin!

Oven Temperature: 350° Fahrenheit (177° Celsius)
Bake Time: 40-45 minutes
Other: 8×8 square baking pan needed

The Tan Part (Blondie Brownie):

• 1 + 1/8 Cup of AP Flour, sifted
• 1/4 teaspoon of Kosher Salt
• 1/2 Cup of Butter, room temperature
• 1 Large Egg, room temperature
• 1/2 Cup of Dark Brown Sugar, Packed
• 2-3 Tablespoons of Harp Lager

Instructions!

• Combine the Flour and Salt, set aside
• Cream together the Butter and Dark Brown Sugar
• Once creamed, slowly add in the Flour and Salt mixture
• Once combined, add in the Large Egg
• Once combined, add in the Harp Lager
• Layer mixture into pan.

OPTIONAL: Top with lots of semi-sweet (recommend milk chocolate) chocolate chips!

The Black Part (Chocolate Brownie):

• 3/4 Cup of AP Flour, sifted
• 1/4 Cup of Chocolate Baking Powder, sifted (I used Ghirardelli)
• 1/4 teaspoon of Kosher Salt
• 1/2 cup of Butter, room temperature
• 1/2 Cup of Granulated Sugar
• 1 Large Egg, room temperature
• 1 teaspoon of Canola Oil
• 2-3 Tablespoons of Guinness

Instructions:

• Combine the Flour, Chocolate Baking Powder and Salt.  Set aside.
• Cream the Butter and Sugar.
• Once creamed, slowly add in the Flour Mixture.
• Once combined, add in Egg and Canola Oil.
• Once mixed, add in the Guinness.
• Layer mixture over the Tan and Chocolate Chip Layers.

Final Verdict: Good, but not OMGBESTBROWNIESEVAAAAARRRRRR!!!!  The chocolate part is super good. The blondie part, good but not awesome.  Needs more butter.  Probably should’ve used Milk Chocolate Chips for more sweetness since the beer adds a bitterness.  Either way, I liked ‘em and will share ‘em.

This was my third attempt…first two batches were not so good.  Also, I tried making a Jameson Blondie for 2 batches…not good at all.

So, YOU WIN BROWNIE!  You’re still victorious. Well played, brownie, well played.

But, one day I will conquer…it’s just not today.

Now, off to make a pi(e) for Pi Day!

…and have a beer.

American Bison…

Is a monstrous animal. Fucking ginormous. Can you imagine trying to hunt these things, without the use of horses or guns? Good grief.

Well, the Native Americans of the Great Plains did. Then with horses around the middle 1700′s. Eventually, guns were introduced. Then settlers came in and destroyed a whole lot of stuff, but that’s a different post.

Click here to proceed to the recipe.

Before horses & guns were introduced, buffalo hunting was low. Farming corn, beans, and other random things were the primary source of food. However, when it was time to hunt buffalo, men would disguise themselves in wolf pelts to prevent the buffalo from running away. Then, the men would slowly confront a bison and attack with a spear.

*In this situation, bison would stampede when they noticed the humans, and they can run up to 20 MPH-40 MPH–no way you’re gonna run after these things. Wolf pelts were a very useful disguise!

Another method was to have multiple people encircle the bison near a cliff ledge, thus causing them to stampede off the cliff.

After horses were introduced, hunting buffalo became easier as they could now chase after the running buffalo. It was still confrontational, as buffalo have a very thick hide, and you need to be close to have the spear, or arrow, pierce through it.

The bison were very valuable to the Native Americans of the Great Plains, and every part of the bison was used, even the scrotum to make rattles.

Bison Scrotum Rattle

I’ve neverevereverneverever have eaten a piece of buffalo. This means I’ve also never cooked it. I was nervous at first, but I did well and it ended up being very tasty. I did myself proud.

Pluses of Buffalo Meat (when compared to grain-fed beef):

• It’s a lean piece of meat that is lower in saturated fats, calories and cholesterol.
• Still getting protein, but also a higher amount of iron and vitamin B-12 (however, may be on par with grass-fed beef).
• Most Bison available is grass-fed and free-range. Personally, that’s a huge plus for me.
• It tastes pretty damn good.

Cons:

• Usually more expensive than grain and grass-fed beef. But, I’m sure it varies from where you reside and the store selling it.

The Recipe!
Adapted from this recipe

• 1 pound of Bison tri-tip
• Kosher Salt and Fresh Ground Black Pepper
• Olive Oil*
• Balsamic Vinegar
• 1 Bottle of a Pale Ale (I used Deschutes Mirror Pond Pale Ale).
• Small amount of freshly Minced Garlic
• Small Container

*If you do not want to use Olive Oil, then substitute it with another type of fat, such as butter, bacon, another type of oil. Bison is a very lean piece of meat, and needs the extra source of fat to help keep it moist.

The Instructions!

• Rub the Tri-tip with the salt, pepper, garlic, and olive oil.
• Put in a container.
• Pour the beer into the container. Hopefully, the container is small enough that the tri-tip will be completely submerged in beer.
• Add the balsamic–about a tablespoon should be good. Maybe a little more.
• Let it sit in the fridge for at least 3 hours (6 is apparently ideal, but I started late).
• Grill the tri-tip low and slow until medium-rare, 160° Fahrenheit (71° Celsius). Make sure to baste while it is cooking with the left over marinade.
• Let it rest for about 10-15 minutes before slicing.
• Devour. OOMnomnomnom.

Blue Hawaiian (Coconut) Cream Pie and Cocktail

Mad Men starts again soon!  Yaye!

What better way to celebrate this exciting news than to make a pie after a cocktail invented in the late 50′s?

Well, to drink that cocktail while making the pie, of course!  And to be in Maui would be awesome…but we can’t have everything we want.

Blue Hawaiian Cocktail Recipes | Blue Hawaiian Cream Pie Crust
Blue Hawaiian Cream Pie Filling | Blue Hawaiian Cream Pie Topping | Baking 101

The Blue Hawaiian Cocktail, Dottie Donut Style

• 1.5 ounces of light rum
• 1.0 ounces of coconut rum OR 1.0 ounces of a coconut-flavored syrup (Torani is a good choice.  Coco Real Coconut Cream is yummy as well, but may separate if not mixed well).
• 0.5 ounces of Malibu coconut rum with Passion Fruit
• 0.5 – 1.0 ounce of Blue Curaçao liqueur
• 2-3 ounces of Pineapple Juice
• Shake in a cocktail shaker with a few ice cubes, or blend
• Pour into a fancy glass filled with ice
• Garnish with a cherry, straw, and a little umbrella if you have them (or a pineapple leaf)!

The Blue Hawaiian Cocktail, Traditional Style (current versions of this drink use a coconut flavoring)

• 3/4 oz. Light Rum
• 3/4 oz. Vodka
• 1/2 oz. Blue Curaçao liqueur
• 3 oz. Pineapple Juice
• 1 oz. Sweet & Sour Mix

Blue Hawaiian (Coconut) Cream Pie

Oven Temperature: 400° Fahrenheit (204° Celsius)
Bake Time: 8-10 minutes
Time in Fridge: 4+ hours

DISCLAIMER: It looks strange…very strange.  However, some food concoctions in the late 50′s and early 60′s looked a bit (or very) strange.  So, I’m keeping with the theme (but it was not intentional).  But, it’s yummy.  I swear!

**Also, homemade cream pies tend to only last about 2-3 days. Keep it refrigerated!**

Once you have the cocktail made, it’s time to get baking!

* denotes alternations listed at bottom of page for attempt #2

The Graham Cracker Pie Crust

• 2 – 2 1/4 cups of Crushed Graham Crackers
• 1/3 cup of Brown Sugar (or granulated white sugar for less sweet)
• 1/2 cup of Coconut Oil, melted (may need to add an extra tablespoon)
• 1 Can of Crushed Pineapple, drained (reserve juice for cocktail)

Instructions!

• Combine all the ingredients and smoosh it all in a 9″ pie pan, forming a crust.
• Draining the pineapple:  You want to get out as much moisture as possible.  I put a mesh strainer over a bowl and let it drain for about 15 minutes, occasionally shuffling the crushed pineapple around.
• *Once the Pineapple has drained, layer the Crushed Pineapple on top of the crust.

The Filling

• 2 1/4 cups of Half and Half
• 1/3 cup of Granulated Sugar
• 1/8 teaspoon of Kosher Salt
• 1/3 cup of Corn Starch (I used Rumford’s Corn Starch)
• 2 tablespoons of Coconut Cream (Coco Real, Goya, etc.)
• *2-4 teaspoons of Blue Curaçao liqueur
• 4 Egg Yolks (reserve egg whites for topping), room temperature
• 3 tablespoons of Coconut Oil
• *8-10 drops of Blue Food Coloring

Instructions!

• First, add water to the corn starch so that it does not lump when added to the mixture.  Once it is a blended-opaque-watery consistency, stir in the Blue Food Coloring.

—————————————————————————————————————

• Put the Half and Half, Granulated Sugar and Kosher Salt into a saucepan over a medium heat.  Bring to a simmer.
• Once simmering, whisk in the egg yolks and bring to a light boil.
• Whisk in the Corn Starch mixture and reduce heat to a simmer.
• Once blended, stop whisking and begin stirring until the mixture is thick (took mine about 2.5-3 minutes).
• Remove from heat.
• Stir in Coconut Oil, Coconut Cream, and Blue Curaçao liqueur.
• Once well blended, gently spoon and smooth over the layer of Pineapple and Pie Crust.

*The Topping (Egg White Meringue)

• 4 Egg Whites
• 6-8 Tablespoons of Granulated Sugar
• Shredded Sweetened Coconut, Toasted

Instructions!

• Whip the egg whites on a medium-high speed until soft peaks form (or near soft peaks)
• Next, add in the sugar and keep mixing until desired soft peaks or stiff peaks.
• Spoon and spread over pie filling.
• Bake in the oven until Meringue is browned, about 8-10 minutes.
• Spread Shredded on a Cookie Sheet, toast for about 2-3 minutes.
• Once the Pie is out of the oven, cover with Toasted Coconut.

Once all is completed, let the pie sit out at room temperature for a bit (30 minutes – 1 hour) before placing into fridge.  My pie took about 5 hours to chill.

Final Verdict: Massive coconut GOODNESS!  Not gonna lie, the first bite was a little weird because of the color, but two bites later my husband stated, “This is really good.”

No, those are not boogers on the meringue...

Alterations Planned for Attempt #2:

• Using a whipped topping instead of a meringue. Or no topping at all. I don’t like wasting food, that’s why I did a meringue topping.  But, I can use the egg whites for an omelet instead.  I’m just not a big fan of meringue toppings–usually too sweet and they weep.  However, my husband liked this pie with the meringue.
• Stirring in the crushed pineapple into the whipped topping.  The layer of crushed pineapple was really good on the bottom, but the next day the crust was a little soggy.  Having pineapple whipped topping on the side to spoon on top while serving may be a good idear?
• Omitting the food coloring and going with the blue shade provided from the Blue Curaçao liqueur.  Also, adding more Blue Curaçao liqueur as it was way too subtle in the pie (increasing it to 1-2 tablespoons).  But, maybe I’ll keep the food coloring in because it helped make the pie the same shade of the cocktail–if not enough blue form the booze, then add a few drops during final mixing phase.

Blue Hawaiian Cocktail Recipes | Blue Hawaiian Cream Pie Crust
Blue Hawaiian Cream Pie Filling | Blue Hawaiian Cream Pie Topping | Baking 101

ZOMGImade(onion)bagels!!!

Holy shit, I made bagels…from scratch!  Intimidating?  Yes.  Conquered?  Hell yes!

It was about a two day adventure full of “WTF’s,” “Wahoo’s” and QQ. No, Not really.  I’m being dramatic.  I don’t know anybody that even says, “Wahoo.”  Why did that come to mind?  I don’t know, but maybe I should start using it–I am just excited that they taste delicious!

Actually, it was easy–I didn’t curse, not once.

Anyways!  Enough rambling.

I am a novice when it comes to baking so…

I read everything on this page–lots of good information.  I made the recipe that is linked:
http://www.epicurious.com/articlesguides/howtocook/primers/bagels-ingredients-and-tools

The Recipe (taken from this recipe, and adjusted with what I used)!

Dough

• 1 tablespoon (0.75 oz / 21 g) light agave nectar/syrup
• 1 teaspoon (0.11 oz / 3 g) instant yeast
• 2 1/2 teaspoons coarse kosher salt
• 1 cup plus 2 tablespoons (9 oz / 255 g) lukewarm water (about 95°F or 35°C)
• 3 1/2 cups (16 oz / 454 g) unbleached bread flour (I used Gold Medal Better for Breads flour)

Poaching Liquid

• 2 to 3 quarts (64 to 96 oz / 181 to 272 g) water
• 1 1/2 tablespoons (1 oz / 28.5 g) raw wildflower honey
• 1 tablespoon (0.5 oz / 14 g) baking soda
• 1 1/2 teaspoons coarse kosher salt

Topping

• Rehydrated minced onion
• 1 Egg white

Other

• I used Olive Oil instead of Vegetable Oil

Instructions!

http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/food/views/Bagels-366757

Background (Okay, more rambling):

I love bread and other baked goods.

But, I don’t absolutely love bagels, as in, “I really want to eat a bagel today.”

Although, I’m really into bagels around Fall–yummy freshly made pumpkin bagels and pumpkin cream cheese and I go to pumpkin heaven and stuff my face ’till I look like I’ve eaten too many pumpkin bagels and.…

Why’d I choose to bake a bagel then?  I’m learning information about the Pacific Northwest Coast Native Americans, primarily the Tlingit and Kwakiutl.  NO, THEY DID NOT MAKE BAGELS.

But, one of their abundant food sources tastes good on a bagel–The Pacific Northwest Salmon (several species).  The salmon was often cooked or smoked (preserved).  Salmon could also be covered in “candlefish” fish oil as this acted as a preservative as well.  In addition, “candlefish” oil could be used to add flavor and calories to salmon while being consumed–it would be equivalent to butter.

Tlingit Salmon Rattle

To capture the salmon, they used open weave conical baskets and created a weir.  As salmon swam upstream, some salmon would get caught in the baskets.  They would then be gathered, processed, dried, and smoked within in a smoke house (if not cooked/roasted).

I do not own a smoker bbq, so I could not smoke my own salmon.  But, Trader Joe’s had a package of smoked Coho Salmon, a species of salmon that can be found along the Coastal Pacific Northwest.

I’m not a big fan of eating smoked salmon by itself, hence why I put it on an onion bagel and covered it in cream cheese.

Smoked Salmon on a Onion Bagel (Lox and Bagels):

• Toast the bagel
• Smear lots of cream cheese all over it (I prefer plain)
• Add a few slices of smoked salmon
• Add some capers
• Freshly ground black pepper, to taste
• Some fresh chives
• Then top it all off with Jalapeños!

That was an enjoyable lunch yesterday.  Just sayin’.

Bourbon Chocolate Chip Walnut Cookies

Oh, the chocolate chip.  Good by itself, even better within a cookie.  Thank you Ruth Wakefield for figuring this out.

I love all sorts of chocolate chips–semi-sweet, milk chocolate, dark  chocolate (but keep that white chocolate shit away from me).

Now, everybody seemed to have a go-to recipe for this cookie.  Except for me.  I usually either buy it pre-made or go to a pre-existing recipe (and I’ve had some damn good cookies).

So, now to attempt to make my recipe.  Research!

(Click here to proceed to the recipe!)

This is not the final product cookie of this recipe! This is my first attempt (I've modified the recipe--used less but equal amounts of sugars the first try). It was also tasty.

Upon doing research, I realized that most chocolate chip cookies have the same “base:”

• All-purpose Flour
• Baking Soda
• Salt
• White Sugar (& a lot had Brown Sugar, usually equal ratios)
• Lots of Butter
• Egg(s)
• And of course, Chocolate Chips

Then, there’s all sorts of other stuff like vegetable shortening, nuts, extracts, oats, water, etc. that can be added/used.  Just google “Chocolate Chip Cookie” and you’ll see!

Now, I love cooking and baking with booze when I can, especially beer and bourbon. I was inspired by The Boozy Baker to add some sort of booze to my cookie (she bakes with booze, so why can’t I?)

So, I have the basics down.  I think.  Now, I want to have at least a minimal understanding what the hell is going on chemically when I’m mixing and baking this stuff together.  Why do I need to add it?  Is it going to explode inside my oven?  Thank goodness for Joy of Baking and other websites!  It made doing research a lot less time consuming.  Follow this link if you want to read about my ramblings about some of the ingredients in the cookie.

After the research, I wrote up a recipe to test:

The Recipe!

Yield: about 24 cookies (Erm…I forgot to count after I baked and consumed some)
Total Baking Time: 14-16 minutes
Oven Temperature: 375° Fahrenheit

The Ingredients!

• 2 cups of All-Purpose Flour (I used Trader Joe’s AP Unbleached), preferably sifted.
• 2 large eggs
• 2 sticks (1 cup) of unsalted butter, room temperature (or almost room temperature).
• 1/2 cup white granulated sugar
• 1 1/2 cups of brown sugar (I love brown sugar)
• 1/2 teaspoon of baking powder (I used Rumford aluminum-free)
• 1/4 teaspoon of kosher salt
• 2-3 tablespoons of a decent bourbon (I recommend Knob Creek or Maker’s Mark.  Both are available in “airplane bottle” form.)
• 2 cups of semi-sweet chocolate chips
• 1 cup of chopped walnuts
• Optional: 1 shot glass full of bourbon

Instructions!

• Preheat oven.
• Combine AP flour, salt, and baking powder with a fork in a bowl.  Set aside.
• In your mixing bowl (I have a stand mixer), add softened butter and sugars.  Mix until “creamed.” I used a medium speed.
• Next, while the mixer is still going on a low speed, add in flour mixture slowly over several intervals.
• After flour mix and butter mix are combined, mix in the eggs on the same low speed.
• Add in the awesome bourbon.
• Finally, stir in the chocolate-chip-and-walnut-goodness.
• Spoon onto a cookie sheet and place into the oven for 13-15 minutes.  I have no idea how to space cookies properly, so uh…no comment on how far apart they should be.

• After the cookies are in the oven, shoot (or sip if that’s how you roll) the bourbon shot and put on the John Wayne grimace-face.  Or not.

Final Verdict: Crunchy on the outside, soft on the inside.  The bourbon enhanced the chocolate.  In the words of my husband, “These are yummy.”  I also enjoyed them–not bad, not bad at all.

They may not look purdy, but they sure taste good!

Chia Seed Almond Madeleines

Using a more traditional approach this time…
Have I shared how much I enjoy Madeleine’s?

Anyways…

(Click here to proceed to the recipe!)

Background:

Stumbled upon good blog that provides a nice summary about the Madeleine cake/cookie/cake-cookie hybrid:
http://chezlorraine.wordpress.com/2011/03/05/la-jolie-madeleine/

Then, I found some more information about a génoise cake batter being used and other random information:
http://baking911.com/learn/baked-goods/cakes/types/genoises

So, I attempted to make the génoise cake batter for my Madeleine cookies/cakes/whatever.  Sounded a bit intimidating, but I punched those eggs in the face and they “ribboned.”  Go Me!

The Recipe!
(Adapted from this recipe)

Yield: I actually got 12 out of this!
Oven Temperature: 350° Farhenheit
Bake Time: 11-13 minutes

• 1/2 cup of granulated sugar
• 1 cup of cake flour, sifted
• 1/8 teaspoon of salt
• 1 stick unsalted butter (will be melted)
• 2 large eggs at room temperature
• 1/2 teaspoon of almond extract
• 2 teaspoons of chia seeds

Instructions:

• Add salt to cake flour, set aside.
• Melt the butter in a saucepan to the point of brown-butter-goodness (I love browned butter).  Set aside.
• Next, mix the eggs and sugar together on a low speed with your mixture to gently combine, using whisk attachments.
• Increase the speed to medium high until “ribboning.“  (I didn’t have a fucking clue what that was until I watched that video).  This took me about 6 minutes to get to this stage.
• I used a spatula and slowly folded/gently hand mixed in my flour mixture into the airy egg mixture.
• Once combined, gently hand mix/fold in almond extract and chia seeds.
• Finally, gently hand mix in browned butter.
• Spoon into molds and bake for 11-13 minutes.

Final Verdict:  Yummy.  Although, I think I would prefer to use sliced almonds instead of almond extract.  Maybe a little bit of rum.  But, a good airy cake, a bit on the dense side (definitely need tea or coffee to dunk it in), and the chia seeds provided a good texture.

Moar Linkage:
This sounds divine.

Chia Seed Madeleines covered in a Lemon Glaze, Attempt #1

The Chia Seed.  It’s full of omega-3′s and other healthy stuff your body needs.  It’s also good for growing hair on ceramic heads.

(Click here to proceed to the recipe!)

Background: I’m currently taking a Native American Cultures course, and I just learned some information about the Paiute and Shoshone Indians.  Chia seeds provided subsistence for some (if not most) of the Paiute and Shoshone Indians (other Great Basin Indians as well) during the late summer months.  Definitely a food staple!

The chia seeds are held within a seed head on stalks–to free the seeds, women would use a seed beater to whack the grass, and catch the seeds with a conical basket.

Another tidbit: Not necessarily for chia seeds , but for other seeds as well (such as pine nuts): the women could remove the seeds from the heads by hand or use a process known as winnowing.  The basket they used for this process is referred to as a winnowing basket. 

Here’s a link to a neat blog that has some excellent information, pictures, and a video that shows chia seed gathering in action.

The seeds could then be crushed/pulverized/ground and prepared into a “mush.”  I do not have the tools to grind the seeds.  Well, I could purchase a mortar and pestle, but they’re a little pricey and how many times would I actually use it?  Spice Grinder?  CHEATING!  The Paiute and Shoshone women used rocks, and damnit, I should too.  But, whacking grass and grinding seeds sounds really time consuming. So for now, chia seed purchased from my local market and left in au natural form will have to do (this equates to zero attempts at “mush” making).

Also, the Aztecs used chia seeds for food as well.

But, I digress.

From my previous research for the Bourbon Chocolate Chip Walnut Cookies, I applied that same knowledge to this.  I looked at other recipes for this tasty treat, but really didn’t want to melt butter or whip egg whites. I was feeling a bit rebellious and ornery this day.

The Recipe!

My way to make a Madeleine (is it even considered a Madeleine now?):

Yield: supposed to be 12, but I’m a little heavy-handed with pouring batter into molds, so 10.
Oven Temperature: 350° Fahrenheit.
Time: 10-12 minutes.

Ingredients for the “Madeleine:”

• 1 cup of Cake Flour, sifted
• 1/2 cup of granulated sugar
• 1/8 teaspoon salt
• 1/4 teaspoon baking powder (Rumford Aluminum-Free)
• 1 large egg
• 1 egg white from a large egg
• 1 stick of unsalted butter (1/2 cup)
• 2 tablespoons teaspoons! of chia seeds (that would’ve been one mighty crunchy cookie)

Ingredients for the Glaze:

• 1 cup of powdered sugar, sifted
• 1 tablespoon and 1/2 teaspoon of water
• 1/4 teaspoon of lemon extract (I used a little more because I <3 lemon).

Instructions!

• Preheat oven.
• Combine AP flour, salt, and baking powder with a utensil of your choice in a bowl.  Set aside.
• In your mixing bowl (I have a stand mixer), add softened butter and sugars.  Mix until “creamed.” I used a medium speed.
• Next, while the mixer is still going on a medium speed, add in egg and egg white.
• Once combined, add in the flour mixture slowly.  I had my mixer on low speed.
• Next, mix in Chia Seeds.
• Once all is combined and merry, spoon batter into Madeleine pan molds.
• Bake for 10-12 minutes.
• While the Madeleine’s are baking, prepare the glaze by mixing the water into the powdered sugar with a utensil of your choice (I prefer forks).  Once combined, mix in lemon extract.
• After the Madeleine’s are baked and room temperature, you can dip the Madeleine’s into the glaze, rotating them, and then placing them on a cookie rack to dry.
• Or, you could use my method (I’m sort of lazy) and just put them on a plate and dump the glaze over them.  Let the glaze harden, pry it from the plate, and devour.

Final Verdict: Really good. Yummy. The chia seeds provided a nice texture/crunch, much like a poppy seed would. It was soft and sponge cake-y goodness. “These are fucking awesome.” – Husband

Conquering the Brussels Sprout…

Oh, brussels sprout: You appear to look like a typical green cabbage that crossed the path of a shrink-ray, and zap!  A shrunken, cute green cabbage!  However, you’re not tasty like a green cabbage.  Nope, I was fooled.  Apparently, small size equates to way more bitter.  Your cuteness is deceiving. /shakefist

But instead of blaming you, I blame myself.  You see, I’m a heterozygous taster.  However, I tend to like the other Brassica vegetables, but I really don’t care for you.

But, I’m going to try to like you–you’re full of good stuff I need. 

My goal: find a way to cook brussels sprouts so I can tolerate them enough to eat them.

Week 1 | Week 2 | Week 3

---

Week 1, 1st Attempt — Roasted (how I usually cook veggies):

Simple and Easy.

-Brussels Sprouts cleaned, ends trimmed off, yellowish/brownish leaves removed.-Cover in Olive Oil
-Kosher Salt and Freshly Crushed Black Pepper, to taste

The only cookie sheet that has survived my uh...experiments...is a heart-shaped pan.

-Put in a 400° Fahrenheit oven for 30 minutes, uncovered, occasionally shaking the pan for evenly roast-y goodness.

Final Verdict:  I enjoyed these.  But, I did also make pork chops covered in an apricot sauce to go with it.  Well, I used the sauce to dip the brussels sprouts in.  It was yummeh.
Next batch, I’m going to cut the brussels sprouts in half prior to roasting, to accomplish even more roasted goodness.

---

Week 2, 2nd Attempt – Recipe from Betty Crocker Cookbook, 10th press from 1983:

Brussels Sprouts Parisienne = how to make brussels sprouts unhealthy.

So, this sounded interesting.  It’s like, brussels sprouts covered in some sort of ‘effed up Hollandaise sauce?  I have no idea what it’s supposed to look like–Google image search gave me pictures that looked nothing like my final product.  Regardless, I followed the directions and uh…yeah…

-Add brussels sprouts to boiling water.  Cook for 10 minutes; drain.

The Sauce (from Cookbook):
I would post the recipe, but not sure about uh…copyright stuff?  But, the sauce involves butter, flour, nutmeg, chicken broth, egg yolks, salt, and pepper.

-I melted butter, blended in flour, salt, nutmeg, and pepper.  Cooked on low heat until this stuff bubbled.  Then, I removed it from heat and mixed in broth.  Heated it to boiling, then stirred in the egg yolks.  Brought it to a boil.  Covered brussels sprouts with the sauce and added some sliced almonds.

Final Verdict:  I really didn’t enjoy this.  The texture of the sprouts were kind of weird…like slimy weird.  I could still taste the bitterness even with the sauce (maybe not boiled enough?), and I wasn’t digging the sauce.

Also, I’m still iffy about boiling some types of vegetables as I would assume most of the water-soluble vitamins in brussels sprouts would “boil out” (and the whole reason I’m eating brussels sprouts is to get some of those nutrients).   However, not totally sure about that as my chemistry skills are lacking.  There’s been articles about to boil or to not boil vegetables (not necessarily pertaining to brussels sprouts)…this is an interesting one.

No, I will not be making this again.

---

Week 3, Attempt 3 — Sautéed:
Modified from this recipe:

I didn’t burn anything (I usually do when attempting to sauté something)!  FUCK YEAH!

-Brussels Sprouts cleaned, ends trimmed off, blahblahblahbalb, then CUT THEM ALL IN HALF!  Woohoo, fancyknifepartytime!

-I did not use bacon (blasphemy, I know).
-I did put 1.5 tablespoons of Olive Oil in a hot pan, then added some garlic until browned.
-Then in went the brussels sprouts (all 2 pounds of them).
-Added some freshly ground black pepper and kosher salt, to my taste.
-Added in 1.25 cups of veggie broth
-Added about 1/2 teaspoon of onion powder (I had no onions!)
-Cooked it all down until all of the brussels sprouts were soft.

Voilà!

Final Verdict:  I really enjoyed these.  Had a lot of flavor and I really couldn’t detect any bitterness.  I may try bacon next time.  But I prefer to use my bacon allowance for breakfast.  Or on a burger.

---

So, I accomplished my task of finding a way to cook Brussels sprouts in a way that I can enjoy.  I AM VICTORIOUS!

They will be consumed more often and I will continue to test different ways of cooking them.  But, for now, I need Brussels sprouts break.

OMGZ

LIFEISCRAZYBUSY!  MID-TERMS…..NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

SEND FOOD!  kkthxbai.

Raita

A few years ago, one of my favorite places to eat was a local Indian restaurant that had the best Raita I’ve ever had.  I would go in at least once a week and usually just order freshly-made Naan, with a side of Raita and Rice.

Such a good meal.

The main reason why I liked the Raita is because they didn’t put Cilantro in it.  They also added carrots to it.  I <3 carrots.

However, I normally loathe cucumber, but for some reason I can eat it this.  Go figure.

Ingredients!

• 1 Cup of Carrots, cut into Matchsticks
• 1 Cup of De-seeded Cucumber, Shredded and Drained
• 17.6 ounces of Non-fat Greek Yogurt (I used one container of Fage)
• 1 Teaspoon of Cumin
• 2 “dashes” of Cayenne Pepper
• Pinch of Salt
• Freshly Ground Black Pepper, to taste

Directions!

• Cut and de-seed the cucumber.  Before using a grater, cut them in half again to make it easier.
• Place the shredded cucumber into a bowl lined with a Paper Towel or Cheese Cloth.  Give it a few good squeezes.  Save the green water and use it as food coloring!  Or maybe not.
• Cut the carrots (I bought pre-shredded carrots).
• OPTIONAL: Put them into a bowl of 1/2c. Rice Vinegar, 1/2c. Water, and 1 teaspoon Kosher Salt.  Let it sit for an hour.  I just like semi-pickled carrots.
• Drain the carrots.  Taste and slightly rinse if too vinegar-y tasting.  Combine with cucumber.
• Add in the Yogurt and Spices.
• Stir to combine all the ingredients.
• Add in salt and pepper, to taste.
• Let it sit in the fridge overnight, or at least for a few hours before serving.  

Final Verdict:  Yummy!  Made me happy.  It tasted really good with the Chana Masala I made, but did not help cool it down (or maybe it did, but my Chana Masala may just be super spicy).